Natasha's Girl
by Temo
Summary: Sam and Alexis trying to connect after the motherdaughter reveal. Chapter 38, the final chapter is up!
1. Something Important

**Authors note**: _I'm really sappy. You've been warned. I can't help it, it's some sort of genetic flaw._ _I began writing this in early May and was going off a few incorrect spoilers about this storyline. 1. Alexis kidnaps Sam and takes her to A Clinic (that happened but it was extremely brief and kind of stupid) 2. The clinic was actually a renovated wing of Windemere. The changes I've made to this chapter are extremely minor, not really worth a re-read, but I hope to get chapter 2 up tonight. The sap will continue.

* * *

_

Something was different. No. Everything. It was so quiet, there were no machines blaring, people rushing, or crying…quiet was good.

Danny. I had to go see him! No, I couldn't. Something had happened to Danny. I moved to push my blankets back and all hell broke.

The quiet was gone, replaced by bleeping machines, someone screeching and pain. Pain shot through my body, I couldn't tell where it began or ended. My arms and legs were heavy, my head throbbed. Something stung me.

_Danny_? _Jason_? _Where are you_?

* * *

Danny had died. Yes. There wasn't enough serum. Alexis took Danny's…he is gone. _Jason? _Why wasn't Jason here? _Danny.

* * *

_

Quiet. Music is playing somewhere. It's beautifully soft. Someone is in the room. I will my eyes to open, but it is so hard. The room is dim, out of focus. _Jason?_ I think I've said it aloud. _Jason? _Someone is screeching…no talking, asking for a doctor? I'm not sure.

Jason is here. He's smiling. It's over we can go home. The serum has arrived, enough for everyone, he is taking me home. Danny is gone. Alexis is there.

"Sam, I need you to open your eyes."

_I can't. Where is Jason? He's taking me home._

"Sam, I know it's hard, but Dr. Reilly says you can do it."

"Jason?"

"Jason isn't here right now, but he wants you to open your eyes. Please Sam."

"Danny." I open my eyes and try to focus on the shadowy form holding my hand.

"Sam…"

"Why did you let him die?" The shadow recoils slightly, but I know her, she clears her throat as she always does when she's nervous. But she's not sick. Why am I still so sick?

"You were shot Sam." A man's voice interjects.

"Ric, don't."

"It was almost a month ago. Do you remember?"

"Where is Jason?" Was he shot too? Was that why he wasn't here? I try to sit up, but it hurts so much. Tears sting both eyes. Someone is holding me. Helping me lay back, kissing my forehead, squeezing my hand. It feels so right. She's saying "He's fine Sam, I promise you, he's fine." She says "I love you Sam."

Alexis Davis loves me?

* * *

_I'm dancing with Jason. He was late, but he came, just like he promised he would. He lifts me easily into the air, embraces me, spins me.

* * *

_

I'm not in General Hospital. The room is beautiful, enormous. There is a uniformed nurse at the end of my bed checking a chart. My room is brimming with roses, balloons, and the occasional stuffed animal. There are upholstered chairs and a table, two huge windows overlooking a tea garden.

"Good Morning Ms. McCall."

"Mornin'" is all I manage. She nods and checks my IV. I ask "Where are we?"

"Well you seem much improved, let me get the doctor."

"Could you tell me where we are first?" I persist; I've never liked being ignored. Her cheeks brightened slightly.

"I'm under strict orders Miss. You understand?"

_No,_ I want so much to argue. I want to scream, but my head hurts, so I am a quiet little patient. And the good little nurse goes to find the good little doctor.

* * *

The doctor seems vaguely familiar now. She starts "Good Morning Ms. McC---"

"Sam is good."

"Sam, right." She smiles "Can you tell me what you remember before waking up here a few days ago?"

"Well, there was some sort of epidemic, people were dying. I was sick…but I got better, yes, I went home."

"Yes," she confirms, "you fully recovered a few months ago. Do you remember anything else?"

"There was a party? I think…" I push through my cloudy dreams and hope I'm pulling out facts. "I was dancing, and then…I was shot." A hot tear crawled along my cheek. "But I was at GH. Dr. Lee?"

"Dr. Lee was your original physician. You developed some serious complications, and after your surgery Ms. Davis had you brought here."

"Is this like a prison or something? I'm mean it's a damn nice one…"

"I assure you Sam, you aren't in a prison." She smiled again, "Ms Davis just wanted you to have the best possible care."

I snort…It hurts and the doctor looks bewildered when I add bluntly "What the hell does she care?"

"Oh my God! You don't remember?"

How long had Alexis been there? She looked like hell. Dr. Reilly motioned for the nurse to get rid of her.

"After neurosurgery, it's not uncommon for there to be gaps Ms. Davis." The nurse explains quietly, as she escorts Alexis to the hall.

"Doctor, where is Jason? Was he hurt?"

"No, Sam, I understand Mr. Morgan got you to the hospital, right after you were hurt. But it was agreed that you would be better off re-cooperating…"

"The hell it was, I want to see him! Is he in jail? Did that bitch have him arrested again?"

"Uh, well, I believe there was…" Dr. Reilly was positively stuttering now. "But no, he is not currently incarcerated."

I'm so tired, I can't think. Dr. Reilly tells me she'll be back to discuss things after I've calmed down. She has the nurse give me something to help with that. I don't want to calm down. I want to know where Jason is.

* * *

_Sam, its Robin. I wanted to let you know…Danny, something about my brother. Chosen. Maine.

* * *

_

'_I don't know what to do. Dr. Reilly says she will remember eventually…but how can I explain any of this with out telling her, Ric?'_

'_Then tell her, she accepted it once.'_

'_It took her months Ric, months. I'm not sure I can handle…'_

'_Mommy, mommy…' _A child's voice drifts into the room.

'_Ric, can you go?'_

'_The girls need you Alexis, I'll stay with Sam.'_

'_Okay. I think she hates you less anyway…'_

_Ah, not so much. _I open my eyes as her perfume leaves the room.

"I thought you were awake." Ric buried his hand in his hair. "For the record, I know you hate me at least as much."

I roll my eyes. But I smile too. "What don't I remember?"

"The doctor says that your brain reverted back to its last major trauma.'

"Thanks, I figured that part out. Something important, Ric, something important happened."

"It's not really my place."

"Then why are you here? Why am I here?" Ric said nothing. He stood up and began to pace. "Is it Alexis' place? To tell me I mean?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Are you a lawyer or a shrink? Jeesh…, you aren't going to tell me. You want me to figure it out." I stop. "She said she loved me. She kissed me. Held my hand." I tick off Alexis' bizarre behavior, then realize. "And…I don't hate her. It's gone…"

"That's a pretty good start." Ric smiled, "Should I get her?"

"Yes, please Ric, please get her."

* * *

I'm nervous.

A Mylar balloon droops in the corner wishing me a deflated "Happy Birthday!"

My Birthday was May 11.

My birthday…I was born on Mother's Day.

Evelyn.

Robin said Danny wasn't my brother…

Jason took me to Maine…

"Hi Sam." Alexis starts, "Ric told me you were awake. Do you need anything?" She's a wreck. Her clothes are wrinkled, her hair bushy, her eyes dart everywhere but to meet my own.

"I do…" My voice cracks, "I need you to tell me the truth. Please."

"You know Sam."

"I think I know…but I need to hear it from you…Please."

She sits down and takes my hands, her eyes never leave mine. "I didn't know, I thought she was dead, but it was a lie, my whole life was lies…you're here, you're her, you're my daughter Sam." I can barely see her through the tears, "And I've done so many horrible things to you and somehow you forgave me and Jason told me, I didn't believe it at first. And now you don't remember and you hate me."

"I don't." I interrupt her softly.


	2. Just this once

**AN: _The clinic was in Windemere, and now Alexis, Sam, and the rest of the family are staying with Nikolas on Spoon Island. In my world they've figured out that Manny was the shooter._**

_**Sorry about all the sap**_

_**

* * *

**_I leave the door to my suite ajar. I listen to the girls play below. Kristina being Cinderella and Molly her fairy God Mother. Kristina racing up and down the South Hall, one minute she is Sasha Cohen, the next she is Mia Hamm scoring the winning goal. Ric, Alexis or Viola reign her in occasionally, but her joy is infectious. 

Sometimes I hear her beg "Mommy, can't I please go visit Sam? She might be lonely up there alone!" "Daddy," she might try next "Sam didn't have dessert. I have to take her a cookie." I hadn't realized how close she was to Ric. I'm surprised, but he is a father to her in all the ways Sonny could never be. Playful, patient, and most of all stable. She can count on him, the way she counts on air to breathe.

Alexis and Ric are reluctant to give her permission to visit. They are still wary of me and the girls. Sometimes I watch them together and wonder what Lila would be doing. Would she be delegated a Prince Charming, or insist on being Snow White? I ache missing her, but hugging Kristina or holding Molly eases the pain…most of the time. I can't explain it to Alexis, Jason would understand. I push him to the back of my mind. Next to Lila, next to Danny.

* * *

I hear the tap on my door while I'm dressing for bed. Alexis coming to 'tuck me in'. That's how she explains her visits to Kristina. Every night since Dr. Reilly released me from medical supervision, Alexis comes up to my suite with a pot of tea and we talk. I look forward to and dread these talks. Sometimes we laugh, finding something in common or share a story of happy times. But often unintentionally, something painful arises. I make a mental check list of things I shouldn't bring up. Danny, baby Lila, Jason, Manny. But the real taboo is my father, the man who got Alexis pregnant when she was only 16. Did she love him? Did he love her? Was it a one night stand or a stolen affair? Who is he?

* * *

She tells me about the island: Playing with Stefan on holiday; worshipping her 'Uncle' Mikkos with an unhealthy dose of terror; her total and complete fear of Helena. How long it took her to realize just why Helena hated her so much. 

I learn about my grandmother, who Alexis lost so horribly, so early. About the first Kristina, the baby 5 year old Natasha hid from Helena.

* * *

She begins to change the bandage on my back. She is gentle, but it is painful. She sees the wound and thinks of Jason, she thinks of Manny. She says it looks good. Her voice catches. "Don't Mom…Its okay…" I say. I say, "It's not your fault." 

She will leave soon. I know she is fighting tears. The bandage represents so much. My stomach clenches. _Just this once, don't go, don't let it win. _"Alexis" I say in a voice so small, I'm not sure she hears. "Will you…" I stop.

"What Sam?"

"It's silly…nothing…" I try to stand up too quickly. It hurts and I cry out. She is there instantly, steadying me with the flat of her hand. I turn and try to smile. "I'm going to bed now…" I mean to walk away, but don't.

"Sam would it be alright with you…" Alexis starts. "Sam, could I tuck you in?"

I can't answer. Instead of saying anything I cry, I'm not sure why, but I can't make it stop.

"Just this once, you can be my little girl." She gently pulls me into an embrace.

"I missed you. I've missed you so much." I hear myself say, and realize that it is somehow true.

Eventually we make it into my room. Alexis sits on my bed, fluffs a pillow, and arranges my blankets. I close my eyes as she tells a story I've heard her tell Kristina, about a princess on an island. She strokes my hair and I fall asleep not sure if the princess is Alexis, Kristina, or me.


	3. No Fair

_**A/N This really should be part of chapter 2. It's mostly Kristina/Sam/Nic bonding that I look forward to seeing. Ric and Alexis are living with all her girls at Windemere.**_

* * *

"No fair!" a small voice exclaims only inches from me. I open one reluctant eye to Kristina, arms crossed in a pout. "Mommy never sleeps in my bed."

I turn and sure enough I have fallen asleep with my head on a pillow in Alexis' lap. "I was very sad last night." I whisper to my little sister, "So Mommy stayed with me. It was just for this one time."

Kristina eyes me suspiciously "You don't call her Mommy! You call her Alexis. Why can you call her Alexis, I'm not allowed to?"

"Um…" I'm not sure how to answer that. I gently pull myself into a sitting position, trying not to wake Alexis. "Kristina, can you get me my robe?" She trots to the bathroom door and tugs on my robe. It falls in a heap on top of her and she laughs. She gathers it in her arms and rushes it back to me. "Thanks, do you know what's for breakfast?" I ask.

"No, but I hope its waffles. I love waffles!"

"Me too." I stand and take Kristina's hand. "Let's let Mo—Alexis sleep, she had a long night."

* * *

"Daddy! I found her!" Kristina is pulling me by one arm, I haven't had a chance to tie the belt around my robe, I wasn't expecting to run in to Ric so soon. "She's asleep in Sam's room."

I'm mortified. "Sorry, Ric…"

"It's okay. I figured it was something like that." Ric picks up Kristina in a fluid action. "Do you know what Alfred made for breakfast?"

"Waffles!"

"Um, no, I think he made cabbage oatmeal with broccoli juice."

"Daddy!"

"Oh, that's right, you only like cauliflower oatmeal."

"Daddy, don't be silly!"

"Oh, silly…right. Okay, you've got me, waffles await you Princess." He sets Kristina down next to me. "Why don't the two of you start, I'll be down in few minutes. Make sure you save me some broccoli juice."

"Okay, com'on Sam!"

* * *

Nikolas is there, completely dressed, sitting at the round breakfast table, reading the _Wall Street Journal_. He stands as we enter. "Good morning ladies."

This is weird. Kristina runs and hugs him. "Alfred didn't make any broccoli juice, did he?" The weirdness fades. Kristina has that effect on things.

"No, but I'm sure he could whip some up if you'd like. Shall I ring him?"

"No! I like apple juice and Sam does too. We don't want any broccoli juice do we Sam?"

"I'm on a strictly apple juice diet, doctor's orders."

"See." Kristina slides into the chair on Nikolas' left and pats firmly on the chair to her left. "Sit by me Sam."

"I would be honored." I say, smiling.

Nikolas winks at me. Soon, Kristina is requesting a variety of items, Nikolas serves her dutifully. She says please and thank you at all the right times.

Ric enters as we start eating. He sits on Nikolas' right, leaving Alexis to sit next to me once she arrives. Kristina informs him that there is no broccoli juice to be had and Ric feigns disappointment.

"When is the first launch this morning Nikolas? I have an appointment at 9:30."

"I was planning to leave right after I ate, but I'd be happy to wait for you and Alexis."

"It will just be me, Alexis isn't going into Port Charles today."

Despite myself, I jerk my head up and ask "Is she okay?"

"Oh, yes she's fine Sam. Just tired I think." I blush, I hate myself for it. Ric turns back to Nikolas "I can be ready in about 20 minutes, I'll meet you at the dock?"

"Sounds good."

"Good Morning Family." Alexis enters in a robe. She kisses Ric, Nikolas, and Kristina, she stops behind my chair and squeezes my shoulders before she takes the empty chair.

"Mommy, you forgot to kiss Sam!"

"I didn't forget…ahem…" Alexis turns slightly pink.

"I'm not big on being kissed, Kristina. Alexis knows that." This is too hard. I rise quickly, "I need to take a shower. Tell Alfred breakfast was wonderful."

"Do you…" Alexis starts.

"No, I'm fine thanks." My first few showers after being released Alexis had helped me in and out of the shower stall. It had been beyond awkward. I was much stronger now and determined to regain some of my independence. I don't look to see if she's hurt or relieved.

* * *

I stare at the clothes in my closet for ages with my hair dripping down my back. They are my clothes. Jason had them sent. But they don't seem right. Maybe it's that they magically appear washed, pressed and hanging in my closet without me doing a thing. Even my jeans have creases. I grab a pair and fight the urge to jump on them until they don't look so formal. I pull on a yellow halter top, determined not to turn into a mini-Alexis.

Out of no where I wonder_: Why aren't I taller? Was my father short? _That doesn't seem likely. It seems rather funny.

"We're going on a picnic!" Kristina bursts into my room. She's in a sundress, her hair in neat braids.

"Oh that sounds like fun! Have a great time."

"No, you have to come too! Mommy said we're going to the cove…I think there is buried treasure there."

"Kristina, I told you to _ask _Sam if she _wanted _to come." Alexis is in the doorway, arms crossed, looking a bit stern.

"She does Mommy. Don't you Sam?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

"Alfred's making peanut butter and jelly and lemonade and cookies and…"

"Hey, let her have a few surprises okay?" Alexis interrupts the menu. "Can you go downstairs and pick out which dolls you want to bring?"

"They all want to come!"

"Two, two can come."

"But…"

"No buts…tell Viola I'll be down in about five minutes." Kristina shrugs and exits slightly deflated. "I'm sorry Sam. Don't feel like you have to come."

It's my turn to shrug. "It would be nice, but if you want some time alone with your girls…"

"I do. I want some time alone with my _three_ girls." She smiles then rubs her neck.

"I'm sorry about last night." I blurt out.

Alexis cocks her head, "Don't be. I'm not."

"You've got to be sore from sleeping like that."

"No…a little…Okay, my neck is killing me, but Sam…"

"Thank you. It meant a lot to me. I'm not sure what got into me. I hope Ric wasn't mad. I mean, it won't happen again."

"He's not mad Sam. He's a good man, if you would give him a chance."

This annoys me. I say "Um, he doesn't like me Alexis and I know he's trying, but the history we have is still there. I'm not Kristina's age…he'll never be a father to me."

"That's good, considering he was about eleven when you were born." Alexis says wryly. "Listen Sam, I know this is hard."

"It really is…" I barely whisper.

"You hate it here don't you?"

"A little…a lot." Her face falls, she's hurt. I backtrack. "I mean I love being with the girls and getting to know you. But Nikolas and a butler? I mean, I like Nikolas but he's a stranger. And I feel so weird with Ric…I know you are a package deal. I get that."

"MOMMY…it's been five minutes…lets go!" Kristina calls from below. I can tell Alexis wants to continue this discussion, but I can't right now. I don't know how to tell her I can't stay.


	4. Picnic

**A/N Alexis et al, are living at Windemere…everyone knows Manny attacked Sam…**

* * *

Kristina plays along the waters edge, her dolls long abandoned, she digs a trench for her castle under Alexis' watchful eye. Alexis sits in the shade with Molly sleeping on a blanket inches away. It has been a beautiful afternoon. Alfred's lunch was a little fancier than we had ancipated. Finger sandwiches and silver service, but it all tasted good, Kristina was happy to find PB&J's among the cumcumber sandwiches. I begin to gather the remains of our picnic.

"Sam," Alexis calls"you don't have to do that."

"Is it okay with you if I want to feel useful on occasion?" I snap.

Alexis looks away. Why do I always do that?

"Come, sit." She orders a minute later. "Please." She adds as an afterthought.

I sigh, but don't argue.

"Tell me." She says.

"Tell you what?" I ask.

"I'm not sure, but something is obviously on your mind."

Molly snores softly. We both focus on her for a moment.

"She's so beautiful." I turn my gaze to the sea. "When I was shot…before Jason told you…I kept dreaming about you. The four of us really. You liked me and I was going to tell you, you were my mother, but I never could…"

Alexis nods. "When I first saw you, after Jason told me, you thought you were dreaming. You were so happy…" She stops and wipes at the tears forming in her eyes, "…but then you slipped into a coma. I thought I had lost you again."

Kristina runs to us, and eases herself onto Alexis' lap. "Do you guys like my castle?"

"It's terrific." "Wonderful" Alexis and I agree. Kristina sighs, "I'm sleepy." She snuggles up to Alexis and closes her eyes.

"What happened after I went into the coma?"

Alexis strokes Kristina's hair, without looking at me she says "You know Sam. Dr. Drake operated on you and…"

"No, before that, with Jason."

"Oh, well at first, Jason and I were so frightened and angry…the staff seemed to have given up on you. We insisted on continuing the transfusions. For a while we worked as a team. If it wasn't so terrifying it would have been like old times. Watching you get weaker and weaker, we were both so helpless." Alexis concentrates on Molly's breathing for a minute.

"Elizabeth told Jason she thought Dr. Drake…Patrick…could help you. But pretty much at the same time Noah Drake told me the procedure would be a death sentence. He scared me. When Jason signed for the procedure…I…I guess I sort of lost it."

"How exactly?" I'm not sure I want the answer, but I need to know.

"Hmmm," She starts slowly, then rapidly spits out "I got an injunction stopping Jason's rights as next of kin, had myself named as your temporary guardian, and stopped the operation."

"But Patrick did operate?" I'm confused.

"Yes. And obviously now, I realize they, Jason and Patrick were right, but then…then I didn't see it like that."

"Jason knows me better than anyone Alexis. He knew I'd be willing to take that risk…Why couldn't you have just stayed…"

"Out of it?" Alexis checked her volume after Kristina stirred in her arms. "Let's see. Six hours before my oldest daughter was long dead and buried. Five hours before she was came back into my life. Four hours before she called me "Mom" for the first time. Three hours before she slipped into a coma. Two hours before I heard a doctor tell me this surgery was reckless, unnecessary, and deadly." She's practically shaking. "I just didn't know how to stay out of it."

"I'm sorry." I find myself saying. "I know this has been hard on you." I rest my hand on top of hers. "But they operated anyway." She nods in silent agreement. "That probably ticked you off."

"To put it mildly…I had them all thrown in jail."

"All?" I can't believe my ears.

"Jason, Patrick, Elizabeth, and Epiphany."

"Tell me you're joking. Please."

"No," She says weakly then offers "but I dropped all the charges."

I stand abruptly and back away from her and the girls, so angry I don't know what to do with it. "That was big of you Alexis…considering they had just SAVED MY LIFE!"

"It was actually too soon to know that for sure. But you're right Sam, I over-reacted."

"Ya think?" I walk away. "Wait, why did you let them off? You must have had another reason."

"Well, I'd had you moved by then…"

"And?"

"And I asked Jason to not try and find you."

I knew of course. I knew that she had something to do with Jason vanishing from my life, but this was the first time she'd admitted it. I clench my jaw, turn and look her directly in the eyes. "You had no right."

"I know." She says.

"He won't even talk to me now. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? He was my whole world for two years. He didn't even have to tell you Alexis. He could have let me die without you ever knowing the truth. He's done nothing but pay since he told you."

"I know…I'm grateful…"

"No, don't say it, don't. You aren't grateful. Grateful doesn't look like that. Grateful doesn't slam a door and run."

"Sam, Jason doesn't listen to me. I mean, I told him I wanted him to promise that he could keep you safe. He couldn't. I _asked _him to stay away, I didn't force him."

I don't understand her, I just don't. "I can't do this. I can't listen to you justify yourself."

"Sam, you need to know, I'd do it all again. Keeping you safe…"

"How am I safe? Do you think that Jason will send out a memo? _I'm no longer engaged to Sam McCall, please don't kill her_? Do you think that MANNY really cares if I'm with Jason?"

Alexis flinches at the mention of Manny. I try to stop the words as they stumble out of my mouth. She's crying. I can't stand it. "Please don't." I beg.

"Can you, can you please take Kristina back to the house?" She rouses the sleepy 5 year old. "Molly and I will be up in a few minutes." Kristina stands reluctantly. "Go with Sam, baby."

Kristina's too muddled to protest. I take her hand in mine and we head up the path. I'm quiet. She is too. Finally she stops and says. "I wish you and Mommy wouldn't fight."

I kneel down and hug her. "I'm sorry Kristina."

"Mommy has bad dreams."

I don't know where this comes from. Kristina pulls from my embrace and continues quietly up the hill.


	5. Cityscape

_**AN: Thanks for the reviews...a couple of you have really influenced where I was going with the story. This is short...mostly because the second half of it is still jumbled in my head, and I think it will be long enough for it's own chapter.**_

_**I'm having a little crisis. When I began this story, Ric was a total rock for Alexis and her girls, but TIIC are turning him in to a complete Psycho again, and I'm not sure if I want to incorporate that or not. He doesn't play into the next chapter, so maybe it will resolve itself before too long.**_

* * *

I toss my suitcase onto my bed and begin dumping everything in my closet into it. I replay the conversation in the cove over and over again in my head. Then I remember Kristina's haunting look as we returned to Windemere. She broke from me as soon as she saw Viola. She threw her arms around her nanny's legs, and mumbled something I couldn't make out. "Somebody needs a nap, I guess." Viola suggested.

"She was sort of asleep on the beach…but Alexis asked me to bring her back." She won't look at me. I want to make it right. "She's a little mad at me too."

"Oh…she's just tired." Kristina acted as though she couldn't hear us. She didn't protest at all when Viola steered her toward the South Hall and her bedroom.

I look at the mess I've made. There is no way I can squeeze everything into a suitcase. But there is no way I can fit my life into Alexis'. I find my self staring at my welcome home picture drawn weeks ago by Kristina. Each stick figure is labeled in crayon. Daddy Ric, Molly, Me, Cuzin Nik, Mommy and Sam. Each smiling brightly.

I give up. I make my way to my balcony. Across the bay I see Port Charles against the setting sun. If I leave, where will I go? Mike would probably let me have a room at Kelly's for a little while, and Sonny might offer the guest house. I could waitress or something, but it will have to be full time, there'lll be no money, no time left over for school. I'm surprised at how much I hate that. I've gone on-line to find out when and where I could take the GED. I've spoken to the admissions department at PCU. Assuming I pass, I still have time to register for the Fall semester, but I have to act quickly.

"Hey." He startles me.I jump, he apologizes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up like that."

"Its fine Nikolas, I think I was somewhere else."

"I knocked, but I was worried when you didn't answer, I wanted to make sure you were okay. Did you have a fight with Lexis?"

"She told you?"

"No…I haven't seen her." He leaned against the railing. "When I walked in I noticed you're packing."

"Oh, yeah…that."

"So you're leaving then?"

"I don't, I don't know. I think, I probably should."

"If I asked you not to, would you stay?"

"Look, I know you and Alexis are close, but…"

"I don't want you to stay for Alexis…I mean, I do want you to stay for Alexis, but I need you to stay for my son."

"You lost me there, you don't have…"

"I found out today that John is my son. Apparently Jax felt Helena was too big a threat and took it upon himself to 'protect' John."

"Oh, Nikolas, I'm sorry, or should I say congratulations?"

"Yeah, it's hard to know what to say isn't it?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I, I was convinced by Robin and Alexis to give myself a day to process and prepare for this."

"Alexis?"

"I called her, she's good in a crisis…at least, I find her good in a crisis." Nik smiles slightly. "Luckily with Molly here, we have a lot of the basics. I have Alfred arranging the nursery. I pick him up tomorrow."

"Wow, wow…He's your son huh? I wouldn't think Jax was capable of..."

"You know Sam…I'd really rather not talk about that right now." Nik says through a clenched jaw, "I need you to stay."

"And be John's nanny or something…that's not really…"

"No, no." Nik laughs… "Alfred's calling an agency…I just need John to be surrounded by people who love him, and I think you can do that. I think it's something you are particularly good at."

"Thanks…" I smile, "but I don't know."

"Will you at least think about it?"

"Yes…I promise you, I'll think about it."

"That's all I can ask…like I said, I pick him up tomorrow." Nikolas heads back into my suite.

"Wait, Nikolas, can I ask you something?"


	6. Gifts

_**AN: Mostly Nik/Sam cousin fluff, with a little fanwanked Alexis backstory.

* * *

**_

"Will there be anything else sir?" Alfred asks.

"No, thank you very much Alfred. It looks wonderful and thank you for the update about the arrangements for John. Take the rest of the evening off, I'll clean up here after we're done."

"Very good sir, Mr. Lansing is dining in town and Ms. Davis opted to eat on her own as well…she said something about pop – corn? I'll take my leave, goodnight Mr. Cassadine, Ms. Samantha." Alfred backs out of my suite, silently closing the door behind him.

"Wow." I say. "He's good."

"He's no Mrs. Lansbury, but he's growing on me."

"He deserves a raise. Not only has the household quadrupled in the last few months, but he has to put up with me and my crazy mother."

"Now, Sam, Lexis is a neurotic control freak with a type A personality, but she's not _exactly_ crazy. Helena…now that's _crazy_." He lifts his wine glass, and I find myself toasting … what exactly I'm not sure. "To family." Nikolas adds with a wink and we clink glasses.

"To family" I toast, but can't help adding "…warts and all."

"Warts and all." Nik drinks and leans back in his chair. "So where were we?"

_I'd stopped Nik on his way out to ask him about Alexis…the one he knew, and I just didn't. Before he could even start to answer, his stomach growled rudely, causing him to turn bright pink. He whipped out his cell called his butler. They had a brief conversation and the next thing I knew Alfred was laying a four course dinner out in my sitting room._

"_You call your butler on a cell?"_

"_Doesn't everyone?" He smiled "Hey, it's a big house. I call his cell, I get him…Do you like Duck L'Orange?"_

"You were telling me you and Alexis never lived on the Island together." I prompt.

"Yes, by the time I came on the scene she was starting college. I was about 8 when she finished Law School and then she was at Oxford for a couple years. After that she joined a law firm in New York City."

"So you didn't know her at all till you moved to Port Charles as a teen?"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand." Nikolas explains. "I always knew Alexis…she just never lived with us. She and Stefan always had a very deep bond. As far back as I can remember we spent Christmas with her. She called all the time, and sometimes we would visit her in New York or in England. She was always such a different person when we saw her away from Greece."

"How do you mean?"

"She was whole…she smiled…joked…I can't say she was truly happy, because I'm not sure she was…but she found some sort of peace away from the compound."

"When you were alone with her, what did the two of you talk about?"

"Oh, the usual things. Philosophy, Shakespeare, Politics, the Environment."

"No, seriously, Nikolas."

"Sam, I am serious. I talked about what I knew. My childhood was all about grooming. I was to be _the Prince_. I was privately tutored, I didn't have friends outside the family, and no one around that was my age…"

"Nikolas, that's sort of sad."

"You're telling me? Alexis understood my upbringing better than anyone else, she had watched my father go through it and to a lesser degree Stefan, but she also understood that I was a child, much better than I did, certainly more than Uncle did." Nik smiled, "She always gave the best presents."

"Oh." I push the rice on my plate around, my stomach squirms. Nikolas picks up on my discomfort.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

"Don't be sorry, I asked you to tell me about it and you are," I shift my gaze back to him. "So what was so great about Alexis' gifts?"

"Well, as you might have guessed, I had pretty much everything a kid, a very studious, overprotected kid could want. But every year Alexis would get me something I knew nothing about, but within hours of opening it I couldn't imagine ever living without it."

"Like what?"

"Waldo." Nik's whole body changed, he looked like he was 7 years old again. "Lexis introduced me to Waldo."

"She gave you a friend?"

"In a way, I spent hours and hours with him. Don't you know about Waldo?"

"Can't say we've met."

"Oh, wow, you have no idea what you missed! Where's Waldo are the greatest books ever!"

"A book…what was so great about it?"

"Ok, ok…" Nikolas thinks for a minute, "Waldo is a cartoon figure right? And he wears jeans and a red and white rugby shirt, glasses and a hat…"

"Are you sure you're not thinking of Harry Potter?"

"No…anyway, he like traveled all over the place and you had to find him."

I'm laughing out loud now. I've never seen Nikolas so animated about anything. "And the great part would be?"

"You just don't understand…the pictures are so detailed and you have to find him on every page…oh man…hey, I should get those out for Kristina."

"Don't tell me you still have them?"

"Yes!" His face changes suddenly. "I think, I think I kept every gift Alexis ever gave me."

My laughter stops. I cast my eyes around the room, trying desperately not to cry. "That's, that's pretty amazing."

"She's pretty amazing Sam."

"What else…what else did she give you?"

"Lots of books, books Uncle didn't approve of usually. All kinds of music from Jamaica, Africa, Hawaii, China, a hacky-sack, she totally got me hooked on Pogs, you remember Pogs?"

"Those stupid milk bottle caps…I was a junky." I grin.

" … and Hotwheels."

"You mean those little cars you get at the grocery store?"

"Yep, she gave me a dozen for my 6th birthday, and a dozen every birthday since. I have an extremely cool collection of them."

"Maybe I can see them sometime…" I shift in my chair, I say "Sometimes I think this must all be some kind of mistake. Alexis and I are so different, maybe we aren't really mother and daughter at all. Maybe her daughter really did die and this is some kind of sick joke Helena dreamed up."

"No."

"No? You don't think your grandmother would do something that twisted?"

"Oh, sure she would, she probably has done worse through the years, what am I saying, she _has_ done worse…but you are Alexis' daughter."

"Why because you and I are both AB negative? It's not all that uncommon." I argue, "So maybe this was some plot between Helena and my parents…Evelyn had a twisted streak herself. I don't look like Alexis, I'm not smart like she is…"

"You are very intelligent Sam. And you might not physically resemble Alexis, except around the eyes, but you are just like her in other ways."

"Name one."

"Well, you are always ready for an argument." I blush…"neither of you will back down from a fight, even after it's painfully obvious you've lost. You love with every fiber of your being. Both of you are compelled to move your hands with every word you utter."

"I said name _one_." I object.

"But there's something more…" he continues "something else I can't put my finger on."

"When did Alexis tell you about me, I mean about having a daughter?"

"Honestly?" I nod. "It was just this last April. She was looking for you and told some story to one of Grandfather's solicitors. The solicitor felt obligated to let me know about a possible relation. I was clueless, so I asked Alexis…"

"You two are so close, I just assumed you'd known for years. Do you think Stefan knew?"

"It's possible, but not likely…they had some very ugly years after we moved to Port Charles, I think he would have thrown it in her face at one time or another if he knew." Off my look, Nikolas explains. "Like I said before, they had a very deep bond, but they were raised by Mikkos and Helena…it wasn't always the healthiest relationship."

"I thought he was always her protector. She speaks of him like some sort of superhero who saved her from a life of poverty and abuse."

"He dubbed himself her protector, and he did a great deal for her. He shielded her from the wrath of Helena and my father when she was a child, he recognized her intelligence, and made sure she was given the opportunity to be educated, he was kind when she was considered a pariah among the family. But he never let her forget any of it. He wanted her complete and blind loyalty, and she couldn't always give it to him, for reasons of her own. He considered her revealing herself as Natasha Cassadine, the ultimate betrayal. He banished her from the family."

"I had no idea." I shake my head, "when she talks about him, it's always so fondly. It reminded me of me and Danny. But Danny would never hurt anyone…I mean I just can't imagine…"

"Alexis has, always has had a selective memory. In some ways, I'm not sure she can even control it. She blocked out her mother's murder until she was in her 30s. She had no memory of being Natasha for the first 5 years of her life. It took another few years for her to remember her sister Kristina."

"I wonder…" My head is spinning. What else had she blocked out?

"What?" Nikolas asks.

"Nothing…" Nikolas looks expectantly at me so I offer "I wish she would tell me this stuff."

"She won't tell anyone Sam, it's not just you. Most of what I know is because I witnessed it or heard it in bits and pieces over the years. It's very, very rare for her to speak of her past." Nikolas stifles a yawn.

"Nikolas, you look so tired, thank you for everything. I know you have a lot on your mind tonight."

"Well, it was a welcome distraction, but I should probably take care of a few more things before I call it a night."

"You go on ahead, I'll take care of the dishes."

"You'll be here tomorrow?"

"Definitely, I'll be here when you bring your son home."

"That means a lot to me Sam. Thank you."


	7. Night Terrors

**A/N: **_Thanks for the reviews. This is short…Minor revisions 7/4/06

* * *

_

I feel chilled as I return to my room. Without changing, I slip under my covers and try to push what happened out of my head. I cradle my arm, watching the bruise develop. Kristina's cryptic message returns "Mommy has bad dreams." I can't help feeling that I'm the cause of this. I've promised Nikolas I will stay, but all I want to do is run.

* * *

_I made my way to the kitchen with our dishes and leftovers. The kitchen was enormous, old fashioned and intimidating. I was quick with my work, afraid to disturb the ghosts that must haunt this old place. I made a wrong turn, and spent a good 5 minutes looking for the stairs to the South Hall. I padded on slippered feet past the closed doors my family slept behind. _

_The soft cry startled me. At first I assumed it was Kristina, but as I touchedher doorknob, another sob sounded from behind me. I didn't know what to do. It was late, close to midnight, surely Ric was home. By the end of the third cry I found myself halfway through Ric and Alexis' sitting room._

"_No, no, stop, oh god, please, please." I watch Alexisbattling with imaginary demons, tossing and turning, her arms wildly pushing the air. Ric was nowhere in sight. I rushed to her side, and tried to wake her._

"_Alexis, Alexis…" I reached for her, only to be hit painfully on my arm. "Alexis, wake up…Alexis!"_

_Her eyes opened suddenly, but she wasn't there. "No, no, stop, please stop." Trembling, not seeing me at all, she continued her battle._

"_Alexis, wake up, it's a dream…Alexis, MOM!" _

"_Good God…" Ric appeared suddenly behind me. He maneuvered around and embraced Alexis firmly. "Lexis, you're okay…you're okay it's just a dream, you're okay, the girls, the girls are all okay."_

_She stopped struggling, but clung to Ric as if she were drowning, sobbing uncontrollably. Suddenly, I'm intruding. I felt trapped, afraid to move. After a minute, Ric turned to me. "I've got it Sam, I'm sorry. It's been over a week, I thought, I thought maybe they'd stopped."_

_I nodded, and slipped out of their room.

* * *

_

"Mommy has bad dreams." I find myself crying and hugging the pillow that lay the night before on my mother's lap. I wish with all my might that I could take back today. Take back the fight that made Mommy's bad dreams return.

* * *

I wake to a knock on my outer door. Daylight floods my room, my clock flashes 6:43. I pull my hair up into a lazy ponytail and answer the door. 

"Good morning Sam." Ric says. I don't know who I was expecting on the other side, but it certainly wasn't Ric. "I wanted a chance to speak with you before…"

"What happened?" I demand "…how often does it happen?"

"May I come in?"

I open the door enough to allow him entrance. "You said that she hadn't had those for over a week? Does she always have them?"

"Um, no…she's prone to night terrors, but there is usually a trigger. They've been fairly frequent since you were shot."

"What are they about?"

"I'm not sure…she claims, she says she can't remember them."

"She's has to!" I object.

"I'm not so sure. Once she goes back to sleep, she sleeps peacefully, and doesn't mention them unless someone brings them up…that's partially why I'm here."

"I don't understand…"

"She would be terribly embarrassed to know you'd witnessed that. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it."

I stare at him, disbelieving. "Why in the hell would she be embarrassed?"

"I'm not sure why, but she finds it very upsetting that other people know about her 'nightmares'. Viola witnessed one, and made the mistake of mentioning it…I thought Alexis was going to fire her…"

"I'm not just people Ric. I'm her daughter. And that was no ordinary nightmare."

"I agree with you Sam. But she won't talk about it, and I try to respect her wishes." Ric says. "Anyway, sorry to bother you so early, I just have to get to Port Charles and wanted a chance to speak with you…"

"Port Charles? You aren't staying?"

"Sonny needs me, he's going through a rough spell."

"Your _wife _needs you, Ric. And Nikolas is bringing baby John home."

"What?" Ric clearly has not been brought up to speed on the latest Cassadine.

"Did you talk to Alexis at all after breakfast yesterday?" I ask incredulously.

"Yes, around noon, she said something about a picnic."

"Yeah, well sometime after that Nikolas found out that John is his son."

"Oh…well now that's interesting…"

"I guess you could say that." I say flatly.

"Look, I really need to head out, please just don't bring up the nightmare."

I watch Ric descend the stairs as if I just told him that Kristina had drawn a picture. Clearly his mind is on other things. I wish mine was.


	8. Relapsing

"Sam, are you alright?" Alexis stops me as I struggle up the main staircase. "My God, what happened to you?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired…my back hurts a little."

"It's my fault Ms. Davis." Viola interjects.

"Viola, it's not your fault, I'm not one of your charges."

"I'd like very much to hear this, but first Sam, you need to sit."

"No, I need to lie down. Soon." I sway on the spot and Alexis grabs hold of me. I half see her glare in Viola's direction, before she helps me up the stairs."

* * *

"_Sam, guess what?" Kristina ran into my arms. Bubbling with excitement she told me her news. "Baby John is coming to live with us! Viola, Mommy, Daddy Ric and Me and You and Nikolas are going to help take care of him. Not Molly though she's too little." Without stopping for a breath, she continued "Viola is taking us to Granpa Mike's for breakfast and then we're going to the park and then we're going to buy a present and then we're going to come back here and have a party for Baby John!"_

"_That sounds like a big day."_

"_Will you come too?" She pleaded, no hint of yesterday's distance._

"_I'd like that, but let me talk to Alexis first…"_

"_Okay."

* * *

_

"Would you mind telling me what happened? I didn't even realize you had gone to town." Alexis fusses, "And why does your back hurt? Oh God, I never changed your bandage yesterday."

"It's fine…I'm fine Alexis." I let myself fall into my loveseat.

"No you aren't, you're white as a sheet and you can barely stand. Turn around." She pulls the back of my shirt up, and peels back the bandage. "It looks okay. Sit still, let me change it. I wish you had talked to me before you did this, Dr. Reilly…"

"I don't need your permission, Alexis."

"I didn't say you did, but…"

* * *

_I'd approached Alexis' office door quietly. Before I was close enough to knock, I heard her. "Yes, Mayor Floyd, I'm well aware this is the second day in a row I haven't been in…Yes, but trust me I'm putting in full days regardless…It should be on your desk…The Ruiz case definitely takes priority…"_

_I was not going to gain an audience with Alexis, let alone have a conversation with her. I gave up, and returned to my sisters and Viola.

* * *

_

"Bed…Now."

"I told Nikolas I'd be here when he came home with John." I protest.

"He won't be back for a while yet. He was tied up all day trying to find a Nanny."

"But…"

"I promise to wake you up as soon as they arrive." Alexis insists. She ushers me into my room, and pulls back the sheets. "You're packing?" She's noticed my suitcase, now unceremoniously lying beside my bed.

I sigh, "I was…Nikolas convinced me to stay…for John."

"I'm sorry about yesterday." Alexis says quietly.

"I don't want you to be sorry…I'm tired Alexis…I can't do this right now."

"Should I call Dr. Reilly?"

"No, please, I just need to rest." I roll onto my side and close my eyes.

* * *

_Breakfast exhausted me. It seemed everyone I'd ever met was at Kelly's for breakfast. 'Sam, you look terrific!' Mike enthused. 'I was sorry to hear about you and Jason, let me know if there is anything I can do.' Bobbie sympathized. 'How is Nikolas? I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner.' Robin lamented. _

_I was grateful for the relative seclusion of the park. Kristina called for me to push her on the swing. I didn't think about it, I just rose and pushed and pushed and pushed. Kristina egged me on, and I didn't notice that it was getting so hard…I didn't notice my muscles aching and my breath quickening and my head pounding. I was focusing on her laughter. I was focusing on her hair flying behind her. I was focusing on being a big sister._

"_Sam? What the hell do you think you are doing?" I turned slowly to see Monica Quartermaine glaring at me. I smiled as it all hit me and my knees buckled. Monica and Viola rushed over, Viola with Molly in her arms._

"_I'm so sorry, Sam, I shouldn't have let you…"_

"_Viola, I'm okay…I guess I'm not ready to push you Krissy, I'm sorry." Monica ushered me to the bench Viola had been sitting on with Molly. She gave me orders that I followed numbly. She took my pulse, checked my pupils._

"_I think you're alright, but I'd feel better if you would stop by GH so I could really examine you. What on earth were you thinking? You're still in recovery."_

"_I've been feeling pretty good lately. When she asked I didn't even think about it…"_

"_Well that much is obvious." Monica stated. "You cannot exert yourself like this, not for a while yet."_

"_I'm sorry Dr. Quartermaine." I replied stiffly._

"_Sam…" Monica softened. "You scared me. I'm sorry if I was abrupt."_

"_It felt so good at first. Making the girls happy is about the only good thing I have in my life right now."_

"_They'll be happier if you make a full recovery."_

_I nodded, then asked "Monica, how is Jason?"_

"_I'm not really sure Sam. You aren't the only one he's pushing away. He doesn't talk to me, Emily, Sonny." Monica took a deep breath. "You've heard about Justus?"_

_I nodded again, tears stinging my eyes. _

"_It's such a senseless waste. Jason blames himself, and Edward blames himself, when he's not blaming Jason."_

"_Why, why does everyone blame their self? Jason, Alexis, Sonny…it's Manny, it's all Manny."_

"_I shouldn't have brought it up…"_

"_I'm glad you did…I'm sick to death of tiptoeing around things."

* * *

_

"Dr. Quartermaine wanted her to go to the hospital, but she refused. So Dr. Quartemaine said that Sam had to return to Wyndemere immediately, and told me to go with her."

"In the future, I'd appreciate a phone call…"

"Alexis, I'm sorry, but Sam has a mind of her own." I watch from my doorway, unnoticed by Alexis or the nanny.

"I realize that…I'm sorry, thank you for seeing her home Viola. Please let Kristina know that Sam is okay, and that it's not her fault."

"I will. Sam and I both told her that, but she was still scared."

"You need to be nice to her." I say after Viola exits.

"You need to get back in bed." Alexis replies, "And I am nice to her."

"When?" I ask, returning to the comfort of my bed.

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's Viola's pardon you need." Alexis raises a skeptical eyebrow. "Ric told me you almost fired her for mentioning your nightmares and now you are acting like it's her fault I was stupid and had a minor relapse. She loves your kids Alexis, she has to because otherwise she would have split ages ago."

"I guess I'm lucky my girls are so lovable."

"Extremely."

"Thanks…Whywouldn't you go to GH?"

"God it's not that big of a deal. I didn't sleep well, Ric woke me up early, it was my first trip back to Port Charles and I overdid it a little at the park."

"Ric woke you up before he went to town?"

"Yeah…what's up with him and Sonny anyway?" Hoping to divert this line of questioning.

"I'm not sure, but why did he wake you up? He didn't even wake me up."

"You needed all the sleep you could get."

"Excuse me?"

"Your nightmare."

"I don't know what you are talking about." Alexis says slowly. "I didn't have a nightmare. I don't have nightmares."

"Yeah, right. You just wrestle with your sheets and sob because you are having pleasant dreams." I self-consciously rub my bruised arm.

"I…" Alexis shakes her head.

"I was there Alexis, I saw you. Ric came up here this morning to make sure I wouldn't tell you. He said you'd be embarrassed."

"I…"She starts to deny it again, then "Did I do that to you?" She touches my arm gently.

"You didn't mean to."

"I never, never want to hurt you Sam."

"You didn't…trust me I've had worse." Wow, that was the wrong thing to say. Alexis' eyes dart up to mine, then down to the floor. She hugs herself as if she's cold, then turns quickly.

"I should go and make sure everything is ready for John."

"Okay. Alexis" I call before she reaches my door "…you can tell me, you know? You can tell me anything."

"I have to go Sam. I'll see you downstairs." She gives me a weak smile, and then she is gone.


	9. Homecoming

_A/N Okay, this is short, and it might be boring...just kind of setting up the next part...which is trying desperately to form in my muddled brain. _

* * *

I descend the main staircase and join the small party already in progress. Mike greets me first, and we are joined by Lesley and Bobbie. Nikolas is across the room with John in his arms, he's speaking quietly with a young woman I haven't seen before. Kristina and Cameron are reading a large book. I can't help but smile at the title. "Where's Waldo, Now?" Alexis is in a friendly discussion with Robin, Lucky and Liz. Moments later, out of the corner of my eye I see Robin approach me.

"I'm fine!" I blurt.

Robin's eyes go wide and she gives me a half smile. "Glad to hear it."

"Uh, my mother didn't send you over to make sure I was okay?" I feel like an idiot.

"No, but actually, Monica might have suggested I give you a once over. You look great I'll give her a glowing report tomorrow."

"Thanks…sorry if I freaked."

"Not a problem, I get it." She replies, to my raised eyebrow she adds. "You've been on your own a long time, its hard getting used to people caring about you."

"True, but you've always had people…"

"I know, but after living in Paris for so long, I got used to being on my own. Coming home was weird. Having people to answer to, even though I'm an adult---my uncle Mac, Felicia, my mom, and now my dad…they still care, it's great, but also sort of annoying."

I nod and grab a crab puff off a passing tray.

Robin looks back toward Alexis. "I haven't seen Ric…"

"He hasn't been around much lately. He's been spending most of his time with Sonny."

"Oh…that's probably a good thing…unless it isn't." Robin muses.

* * *

Most of the guests have departed. I say goodbye to Lulu and Bobbie, while Alexis speaks with Nikolas. I sink into a leather sofa and start playing absently with one of John's many new teddy bears.

"Miss Cassadine?"

It takes a second before I realize I'm being addressed. The young woman is looking at me expectantly. I look around for a moment then answer. "I'm Sam…Sam McCall."

"Oh, I am sorry, Mr. Cassadine said you were his cousin, I just assumed."

"I'm _so_ not a Cassadine. But you don't need to be sorry, is there something I can help you with?"

"Could you be so kind as to direct me to the kitchen? I need to discuss Master John's diet with Alfred."

"He's five months old, isn't his diet rather limited at this point?"

"It's never too early for good nutrition."

"Right… The kitchen is through these doors, down the main corridor, swing a left by the statue of St. Peter and then an immediate right…or is it a left…I haven't been here that long myself."

"Thank you." She says uncertainly.

"Send up a flare if you get lost…someone will find you eventually." I joke. She stares briefly then departs.

"Is this seat taken?"

"Yes, I'm saving it for my mother." Alexis smiles and joins me on the sofa. We watch the nanny depart in silence.

"Did you get a load of those eyebrows?" I ask snidely.

"I sure did, and what about that accent? I went to Oxford with people from every corner of Great Britain, and I've never heard a dialect quite like that. I bet she's really from Pittsburg."

"You are not nice." I chastise.

"There's nothing actually wrong with being from Pittsburg. Okay, guilty as charged." She admits with a grin "I'm glad you are here Sam."

"Me too." I lean against her comfortably. "Could we have tea tonight? And maybe talk."

She hesitates briefly, thinks then says "I'd like that."

"Alexis?" Viola appears "I'm sorry to interrupt. Kristina insists she will not go to sleep unless you finish reading _The Brave Little Seamstress_ to her."

"She's so spoiled." Alexis responds with a smile. "I'll be up in a minute Viola." She gets up with a sigh. "Earl Grey?"

"Sounds good, I'll bring it up to my room, see you in a bit."

To my surprise, Alexis leans down and kisses my forehead quickly before leaving for Kristina's room. And I don't hate it at all.

* * *

I find Nikolas standing in his room, with the baby held awkwardly in his arms. A mahogany sleigh crib is set up next to Nik's enormous bed.

"He won't break." I assure my nervous cousin.

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure." I approach slowly. "He's going to sleep in here tonight?"

"The nursery still smells like paint. I figured he'd be better off for the first few days in here with me."

"Definitely. See Nikolas, you're already making executive parental decisions."

"Are you mocking me?"

"No…maybe. You're doing great. You will be an awesome dad." Nikolas smiles. "I have a favor to ask, but please don't say anything to Alexis, 'kay?"

"Um, I'm not sure I can prom…"

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that. I've just, I've registered to take the GED next week, and I feel pretty good about most of it…but the science section is totally beyond me, could you tutor me? I know you have a lot going on, so if you can't it's totally okay"

"Sam, stop, breathe. I'd be happy to help, but why aren't we telling Alexis?"

"I…I…" I'm embarrassed again, "Please? I just…I don't want any advice or help from her on this…not in a bad way, just…"

"Okay, I understand. We'll start tomorrow after she leaves for work?" He suggests.

"Thanks! Nikolas, thanks for everything. If you need anything I'm down the north stairs, up the main staircase, in the south tower. Or you could call my cell." I give him a quick hug, amazed that only a few days ago I considered him a stranger.


	10. KneeJerk Reactions

A/N: This is very short, but I expect to have another chapter up later today, or tomorrow. Thanks for the reviews, you rock!

* * *

"Oh, hi." Alexis is sitting on the loveseat when I return with a pot of tea. "I wasn't expecting you to be done so soon."

"Kristina was half asleep when I arrived, she was snoring two pages later."

"So she still doesn't know the ending, huh?"

"Nope." Alexis pours us both a cup, she lays a slice of lemon on the saucer and hands it to me. Just the way I like it. She fixes her own, a slice of lemon, half a teaspoon of sugar.

"Nikolas looked happy tonight." I offer.

"Yes." Alexis agrees.

I think of saying something about the party, how nervous Nikolas seemed, even something snide about the new nanny, instead I say "Are they my fault…your nightmares?"

Alexis closes her eyes. She is perfectly still. And I wait.

"No." Finally, she says quietly, yet firmly.

"You can tell me if it is…maybe having me here is too stressful…we fight…"

"Sam." Alexis' breathing is shallow. "I'm sorry I lied this morning…technically I wasn't, I don't have nightmares…I have night terrors, they are a little different."

"It sure seemed like a nightmare to me." I argue.

"There are several differences, but you aren't the cause. I've had them forever, or so I've been told. I, I don't remember them Sam. I never have. The only clue about them is I'll wake up in the morning just as tired as I was the night before. I've been told it's a coping mechanism. They are more a nuisance for those around me than anything. Poor Ric, they can really be hell on him."

"It sounded like someone was attacking you…"

"More tea?"

"No. You sounded like you were fighting for your life."

"Uh, huh. Cookie?"

"Stop it."

"Consider it stopped." Alexis sighs.

"You've never tried to figure them out?" I press.

"What's to figure out? Sam, I have no recollection of the dreams, they don't bother me."

"If they don't 'bother' you, then why are you embarrassed by them?"

"Knee-jerk reaction. Sorry." She looks toward my bedroom. "Your suitcase is still next to your bed."

"Yeah…"

"It looks pretty empty."

"I told you I was staying."

"You told me you were staying for John." She corrects.

"Is that a problem?"

"No…I'm glad Nikolas was able to convince you. I want the two of you to be close."

"But…" I fill in.

"I wish you were staying because you wanted to."

"I want to, but I've never been one to stay in one place long, so I'm not going to promise anything. I think that Nikolas could use a big sister around…"

"You are NOT his SISTER." Alexis interrupts.

I'm taken aback. "I know…I just…"

"You are _cousins_."

"I know, I just meant…Alexis what's wrong?" She's risen from the couch, is pacing rapidly, and barely breathing.

"Nothing…nothing is wrong." She lies.

"You could have fooled me."

She stops, "I have an early meeting, I'm going to check on Nikolas and head to bed."

"Okay." I rise and look into her eyes, deciding not to press her any further. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Sam. Thank you for your concern, I really do appreciate it."


	11. Studies

**A/N: There is a good chance I will trash this chapter and start again. Not sure. Thanks for the reviews. Didn't mean to drop the anvil like that. Sorry. I'm not sure who Sam's daddy is, but let's just say, I think Alexis has reason to be blocking it out. **

* * *

"Photosynthesis?"

"Sam, don't guess."

"Easy for you to say, you have the answers."

"It just so happens you're right. You know this stuff, but you're convinced you don't."

"It was a lucky guess."

"I thought McCalls' luck was all bad?" Nikolas counters.

"True, but I'm a Cassadine now, maybe my luck changed."

"Or maybe you've been studying like crazy and you are prepared."

"No, that couldn't be it."

"It's hopeless. I will never win an argument with you."

"Well," I smile at him "I do plan to be a lawyer."

"You, my dear cousin, are well on your way. God help us all." Nikolas dodges a play slap then asks. "What's new on the Alexis front?"

I close my book and sigh. "Nothing really, one minute I feel like we are getting really close and the next…"

"And the next?"

"I just don't know if I'll ever understand her."

"Well she's complicated."

"It's more than that. She's really starting to freak me out. Like a few days ago, I made some dumb crack about you needing your big sister around and she flipped."

"How exactly?"

"I don't know. Her entire expression changed and she almost shouted that we were cousins."

"Shouted?"

"It wasn't exactly a shout, I guess, but the tone, like somehow I didn't know we were cousins. It was weird Nikolas."

"Okay…what else?"

"Do you know she has nightmares? Or I guess they are 'night terrors.'" I accent night terrors with my fingers.

"Yes," Nikolas says slowly "I've only witnessed one, years ago, but Uncle said she was plagued by them as a girl."

"Well she thinks since she doesn't remember them, that there is nothing to worry about."

"How would worrying be beneficial?"

"I think she needs help…that's all." I answer quietly.

"Like psychiatric help? Nikolas suppresses a laugh.

"Why is that amusing? You think she's the picture of mental health or something?" I challenge.

"No, I'm sorry, but Alexis won't go for that. Did you actually suggest it?"

"Maybe..." I mumble.

"Ha…so how did that go over?" Nikolas smirks.

* * *

_I found Alexis in her office, vacantly staring out the window. Not wanting to startle her, I knocked firmly on the open door._

"_Oh, hi sweetie." She smiled. Then realizing what she had said "I mean Sam."_

"_Are you busy?" I asked._

"_Never too busy for my girls. Do you need something?" She smiled._

"_No, I just wanted to talk." Alexis literally paled at my words. She started shuffling papers around on her desk then thought better of it. She looked at me._

"_About what?" She asked weakly._

"_I'm really getting worried about you."_

"_Sam, that's not your job. I'm the mom; it's my job to worry about you."_

"_I think it works both ways…sorry."_

"_Ah…how unfortunate."_

"_I ran into Lainey this morning."_

"_Oh, you didn't mention anything about going into town. I thought after yesterday's debacle you would…" Off my look she changed tacks "How is Lainey? I think she and Justus were dating."_

"_Um, yeah, well she's coping." I didn't want to get off track. This wasn't going to turn into a Jason bashing tirade if I could help it. "She has a new office at GH. She's there full time now."_

"_Good for her." Alexis answered briskly. "Sam what does this have to do with anything?"_

"_I asked her about night terrors." Alexis glared at me. "I didn't tell her why. I just wanted to know more about them."_

"_I would appreciate it if you didn't discuss me with your friendly neighborhood psychiatrist." _

"_Lainey said that sometimes night terrors are harmless, but sometimes they aren't. Sometimes it has to do with repressed memories."_

"_Sam. Believe it or not, I have read up on them."_

"_Then you should be aware that sometimes therapy can help you recover your memories."_

"_I've recovered plenty thank you…I'm done." Her phone rang. She answered it with a sigh of relief. I had been dismissed._

* * *

"About as well as you expect it went." I answer…no longer kidding around.

"I'm sorry."

"Nikolas, I think this might be my fault."

"How could it be, Sam?"

"I think maybe Alexis won't get help, because of me." Nikolas grabs my hand stopping the slight tremor. "I think…I think I might be the product of rape."


	12. Monsters

_A/N: I have no idea where I'm going. Honestly. It's sort of writing itself right now, for better or worse. This is a little longer than the last couple of chapters, I hope you enjoy it. I'm not real strong on Cassadine/Spenser back story, so forgive me if it seems incorrect. And if you could correct me, I'd be thrilled. Here goes nothing._

Nikolas bows his head, resting it in his hands.

"It's true isn't it?" It's been at the back of my mind for a while. The reason Alexis won't talk about my father…but until I had said it aloud…now it seems so real.

"I don't know, you know I don't know." He answers quietly.

I wipe furiously at tears on my face. I'm hit by a sudden wave of nausea. "But?" I choke out.

"It's possible…it had occurred to me."

"You didn't say anything!"

"What could I say, Sam? I have no facts…and even if I did…" He stops. "Look only one person knows, and she's not ready to tell."

"Tell what?" Alexis asks brightly, her smile fading as she registers our faces. Nikolas looks at me. Silently we agree not to share our suspicions. "Sam, are you alright?"

"She's mad at me." Nikolas lies. Alexis has pulled me into an embrace and I'm holding on tightly. My reaction betrays Nikolas' cover, but I don't care. "I want to tell you she's taking…"

"Nikolas!" I yell…I don't mean too, I don't care if she knows about the GED anymore, but maybe I had to yell at someone. I startle us all. "Don't…please."

"Sam, baby, you don't look well."

I can't meet her eyes. "I'm, I'm going to lie down." I leave the room, sink against the closed door and listen.

"_Okay," Alexis starts "What was that all about? Really?"_

"_She's stressed out I guess."_

"_Nikolas, that look wasn't because she doesn't want me to know she's taking the GED tomorrow."_

"_How did..."_

"_You two haven't been all that subtle about studying and her registration confirmation was in her printer the other night." Alexis pauses. "Don't look at me like that, I wasn't snooping, I was waiting for her and happened to notice. I understand she's reluctant to share it with me, I respect that. So…"_

"_So?"_

"_I'd like to know why she was crying. Is it about Jason?"_

"_Look, Aunt Alexis, I love you, but what Sam and I talk about is between Sam and me. She'll tell you when she's ready."_

I sit on my bathroom floor hoping I will not vomit for a third time. I hate throwing up, always have. I feel as if I'm being ripped in two. I pull my knees to my chest and hug myself. I don't remember coming up the stairs, I just remember the need to stop hearing them discuss me.

How can it be true? How can't it be true? Alexis was completely isolated as a child, and sent to an all girls' boarding school as a teen. It's not like some boy in her class got her pregnant. Her dreams...was she reliving it every night? How can she look at me? How can I look at myself ever again?

Acid churns in my stomach, there's nothing left, but I vomit again.

I've locked the outer door of my suite. It's the first time I've done that since I can remember. Alexis and Nikolas always knock, and I don't mind Kristina's occasional invasion, but not now, not today. When had I started trusting them? When had I started to love them? Kristina had been easy and Molly and John, but when did I let my guard down with Nikolas and Alexis? I cannot let her see me like this. She can read me now. I can read her too, only not as easily. I haven't told her I love her yet, but I realize now that I do, with my whole heart, and I've known for a while.

My cell rings. I ignore it. I know she'll be worried if I don't pick up, but she'll be more worried if I do. I don't think I could form the word hello, let alone have a conversation.

I wake sore and disoriented in the bathroom. Nikolas is there. I enjoy a full second before I remember.

"Sam?"

"Nikolas…I thought I locked the door."

"It's my house…I have a key."

"Oh."

"Alexis is really worried…she knocked on the door for at least twenty minutes, I bet there are at least a dozen messages on your cell."

"How did you ditch her?" I ask. Nikolas helps me up before answering.

"Kristina's recital…it was at 6."

"I was going to go…"

"Its okay, Alexis told her you weren't feeling well. Not exactly a lie." Nikolas surveys the mess. "She's recording it, and told Kristina you'd like a private show tomorrow."

"I was jealous of Kristina. When I found out Alexis gave me up, I was jealous of my five year old sister. I love her Nikolas…how could I begrudge her a happy life with her mother? What kind of monster am I?"

"Sam, look at me…you aren't a monster."

"She was only 16…she must have been so scared and alone and I treated her like dirt."

"You're passed this Sam. Alexis is passed it."

"No, she's not…she's not. Those dreams…"

"She loves you."

"She can't…how could she?"

"Do you think I'm unlovable Sam?"

"What…"

"Am I a monster?"

"No, Nikolas."

"I'm the product of a rape…or as good as. My father…" He spits the word out. "forced my mother into a marriage she didn't want. It was far from a love match, yet it was consummated. If it wasn't rape, I don't know what you would call it. She was nothing but his prisoner."

"I didn't know…I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, but I have no control over it. All I can do is try and live my life the best way I know how."

"Nikolas…I can't…"

"I've been there Sam…everything in your head, was in mine."

"What if I look like him? What if every time she looks at me, all she sees is her rapist?"

"She's sees you Sam. You were jealous of Kristina…I was jealous of Lucky…Lucky and I actively hated each other for years. And though I hid it well, I was jealous of Lulu too. It broke Laura's heart every day."

"Stop…stop…I know you are trying to help...but…"

"Okay…let's take a step back. We don't know anything for sure. Maybe Alexis was embarrassed about the relationship, maybe your father was teacher or the father of another student, and she doesn't want it to come out. We don't know that she was raped. Maybe she got drunk one night and just has no idea who your father is."

"I know it Nikolas. I've known it for a while now."

"We don't know anything, Sam."

"okay." I whisper.

"Tomorrow is a big day. I want you to promise me you will ace your test, you will watch Kristina's recital, and have fun. Tomorrow you are not to think about this."

"And the next day?"

"We'll tackle that when it comes."


	13. Pretending

_A/N: Very short...more later this week. Thanks for the reviews._

I'm not sure what wakes me, but I stiffen. "Go back to sleep…" Alexis whispers, brushing my hair from my face.

I open my eyes. "Alexis?"

"Shh…I didn't want to wake you. I just needed to make sure you were okay."

She's studying me intently, contently, and I feel tears roll down my cheek. "Sam, what is it?"

I bite my lower lip. "What time is it?"

Alexis looks bewildered, but answers. "About 12:30."

"I can't…I promised."

She gently wipes my tears away. "I'm not sure that's a good promise, but it's late, close your eyes, and go back to sleep."

I obey, rolling over to my side and pulling my sheets closer. I feel her watching me. "Alexis, I love you." It's barely a whisper, but a small oh, escapes my mother. "I'm sorry I haven't said it before."

"I love you too, Sam." I want to ask her how she possibly could, but its tomorrow, so I can't.

* * *

Today I pretend.

At breakfast I pretend that Ric and Alexis aren't on the brink of a cold war. I pretend that I've never been resentful of my sweet little sister. I pretend Nikolas doesn't know I'm a freak.

Later I pretend I am confident and capable. I pretend that I'm prepared and I take my GED. I pretend to care when the give me the unofficial results…I passed.

In the afternoon I pretend to be part of a family. I laugh and clap at Kristina's performance. Pretend I don't notice her sadness. I wasn't the only one to miss it. There had been no Sonny, no Ric. I hold John close to Molly. Just looking at the other brings them joy. Molly laughs and reaches for her cousin. John smiles when the small hand strokes his chubby little leg.

In my room I'm numb. To pretend is to push it all away. To not let yourself feel reality. Alexis pretends. I know now how she gets through everyday. I don't have to pretend to understand it. Pretending is the only way.


	14. Tantrums

A/N: Thanks for the reviews...this is a day or two after "Pretending".

* * *

I grab a leather carry on bag from a closet shelf. I pull two simple shells, one blue, one emerald green, a black suit jacket and some matching slacks. Since I'm not sure what she's currently wearing I select a pair of black flats too. In her bathroom I rummage around until I find a travel bag—Alexis ever efficient—has it stocked. I feel odd opening dresser drawers looking for underwear and hose. It takes 3 tries before I find what I think she'll need. 

In her sitting room I find a blank legal pad. I write

_Alexis,_

_This is not your fault. Don't let anyone tell you it is. I don't hate you. Come home soon._

_Sam_

_P.S. xoxo's from Krissy and Molly_

* * *

I was the first down for breakfast or so I thought. _The Port Charles Herald_ was laid out neatly next to the _Wall Street Journal_. The headline caught me off guard. 

_**Skye Chandler Quartermaine Kidnapped!**_

_Ms. Quartermaine, granddaughter of business Mogul Edward Quartermaine and rumored girlfriend Lorenzo Alcazar, was discovered missing from the Quartermaine Mansion late last night. Police Commissioner Malcolm Scorpio was tight lipped, but confirmed there were signs of a struggle and the prime 'person of interest' is Manuel Ruiz. The District Attorney's office declined comment citing it would be premature to speculate. _

_Ms. Quartermaine is the last in a string of victims Ruiz is the suspected perpetrator in. Most notably he is wanted for the murder of former District Attorney John Durant, the murder of Ms. Quartermaine's cousin, attorney Justus Ward, and the attempted murder of Caroline Benson Corinthos, Durant's daughter, and Samantha McCall, daughter of interim District Attorney Alexis Davis. Ironically Ms. Davis was Ruiz's defense in January of this year. _

"Ah, you've seen it." My cousin walked up behind me.

"Um, yeah…when did this happen?"

"I have a message from Lexis on my cell, it was date stamped today at 4:34 am. She was at work then, told me to expect security when I woke up. There must be ten guys at least."

"Police?"

"No…I think they might work for Jason actually." Nikolas ignored my surprise. "She probably left you a message too."

I rushed to my room and unearthed my cell. Sure enough I had a message.

4:26 AM ALEXIS

"_Sam"_ her voice was strained_. "It's Mom, I'm at work, not sure when I'll be home. If you've seen the paper you probably hate me…okay…its okay…Everyone else does...Hell I hate me too right now…Could you please stay at Wyndemere, close to the girls. This is going to be very long and very ugly, could you maybe pack me a small bag and have it sent to my office. I love you, got to go."_

"She wants me to bring her a change of clothes." I told Nikolas.

"No she doesn't…She specifically asked me to make sure you stayed put." Nikolas countered.

"Nikolas, she's a wreck." I argued. "I need to see her."

"I know, but she'll feel better if her girls are together." I glared at him, but he only shook his head. "Sam, I understand, but I agree with Alexis. Manny has publicly declared you a target. He almost killed you, you are still in recovery. Go ahead and pack the bag. Write her a note if you want, but I'm taking it to her."

"Fine!"

* * *

I stare at my message then add.

_And me too._

"All set?" Nikolas asks.

"I hope, I wasn't really sure what she'd want."

"I'm sure its fine, look I'll be back in about an hour. Let's plan something fun for the kids today."

* * *

"NO, NO, NO!" I hear Kristina screaming across the hall, I run into her playroom. "I don't want to go to the cove, you promised we would go to the park!"

Viola looks a bit desperate. "Kristina please don't shout, you'll scare Molly." She begs.

Kristina knocks a doll delibrately to the floor. "I hate Molly and I hate you and I want to go to the PARK."

"Kristina! Don't say that…ever. You love Molly and you love Viola." I chastise.

She turns her fury on me. "I don't, I don't! They're dumb and I hate them and you too and Daddy Ric and Mommy."

"No Krissy." Her face is red, eyes brimming with tears, she throws herself at me, hitting me with tiny clenched fists.

"You lie, you all lie!"

"Krissy, no one has lied to you."

"Viola said we'd go to the park and now she says we can't go. And Daddy said he'd be at my recital and he didn't come and you didn't either, and I want Mommy." She goes limp in my arms and begins to sob. I glance at Viola, who nods and leaves with Molly. I pull Kristina closer, stroking her hair and shushing her gently. She cries long and hard for Mommy. Finally she is quiet, I look down to see if she has cried herself to sleep, but her eyes are open, puffy, and red.

"You okay?"

She shakes her head vigorously. "I'm sad."

"It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be mad too."

She looks at me briefly, I add "But you know what isn't okay?"

She bites her lower lip, nods slowly and answers "hitting."

"Yep…and saying you hate people isn't very nice, but I know you don't really hate them."

"Yes I do." She insists.

I have to suppress a grin. "Oh that's too bad because we all love you."

"Nuh nuh."

"Viola loves you…and Molly thinks you are the best thing ever."

She looks at me suspiciously "Molly can't even talk."

"You don't have to be able to talk to be able to love. You are her big sister, she loves you so much."

"Like I love you?" She asks.

"Oh, you love me now?"

Kristina nods quickly. "Uh huh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I love you too. I know that you are disappointed that I didn't go to your recital. You were great and I really missed out."

She nods solemnly.

"But Mommy went and she taped it for me and Sonny and Ric. She's so proud of you. Especially how brave you've been."

"Brave?"

"There have been a lot of changes lately and you've tackled them all. You have a new baby sister, a new big sister, we live in this big house, and Mommy has her new job."

"Mommy is always working." Kristina adds softly.

"I know, Mommy's job is important, and a lot of people need her."

"We need her. Me and Molly and you."

"Me?" I ask

"Uh huh, you have sad eyes." I'm startled by her observation. I pause to recollect my thoughts.

"You know Mommy needs us to take care of each other when she's busy. Do you think we can do that?"

She nods and leans back against me. "I love you Sam, its okay if you are sad and mad too."


	15. Wake Up Call

A/N: I realized that I was operating under an assumption that a certain character was out of the picture and yet never actually said that, so I fixed it in this one. Reviews always welcomed!

* * *

I don't want to do this, but my instructions were clear. I carry the tray and tiptoe into her room. I set the tray down, move to the window and adjust the blinds so that sunlight slips into the room. Alexis groans and rolls onto her side.

With the exception of occasional press conferences, I haven't seen her in 3 days. The news of Skye's rescue and Manny's demise hit the late news, but well after midnight there was still no word from Alexis. The press had been brutal. Never missing an opportunity to remind the citizenry of Port Charles that Alexis Davis was the one who 'got Ruiz off.' Mayor Floyd, Edward Quartermaine, and Lorenzo Alcazar had all called for her resignation. Alexis told them where they could put that idea without batting an eye. At least publicly.

This morning there was a large note pinned to my door. "_Do Not Let Me Sleep Passed TEN. I MEAN IT_." I had already disobeyed. It was close to 10:30 and I was just staring at her.

"Alexis." I whisper, hating disturbing her.

"Mmmmmm"

"Alexis…" I say a little louder.

"Fivemoreminutes." She slurs.

I don't respond. It's a perfectly reasonable request in my opinion.

Alexis opens one bloodshot eye. "Don't you know?" She asks hoarsely, "You never give into the five-more-minute-plea?"

"Sorry." I shrug. "I brought you some coffee and toast…don't worry Alfred made it. Viola took the girls to Kelly's for breakfast, they'll be back in a little bit." Alexis forces herself into a sitting position, as I bring the tray over. Her eyes fall instantly to the papers on the side.

"What's all this?"

"Kristina made you a card." Alexis gets a little misty as she reads "_We Love you Mommy, Krissy, Molly and Sam_."

"The girls really missed you."

"Thank you for taking such good care of them…" She stops when she notices the envelope hidden beneath Kristina's card. "This is addressed to you."

"I know, but it's for you…sort of."

She tears at the seal and reads "_Dear Ms. McCall_…" her voice trails off. "Oh Sam! Get this tray off me." I lift the tray and look at her with confusion. "Put it down." I set it back on the table. "Get over here." She stretches out both arms, and I run into them. "I'm so proud of you….I knew you could do it."

Alexis scooches over and I climb onto the bed next to her. "But I'm a little mad too."

"I know, I don't know why it took me so long to actually do it…"

"No, that's not it…I know how these test work…The GED is computerized now, they tell you immediately if you pass or not."

"Yeah…"

"So why am I just now finding out about it?" She smiles, she's not really mad. I breathe again. She doesn't ask what I'm planning next. She just enjoys the moment. "It's so nice to have some good news."

"Is Skye okay?" I ask tentatively.

"Physically, she's a little dehydrated, she's been admitted to GH for observation. The pregnancy was the big worry, I guess the baby is alright." Alexis sighs, "But Emotionally? I have no idea." Tears slip from Alexis' closed eyes.

"Alexis…"

"I'm okay, really. It's just been a long couple of days. I've missed you and the girls and I'm really, really, really tired."

"Where's Ric? He only came to visit the girls once this whole time. Kristina doesn't understand…"

"I not sure I can help her with that, considering I don't understand either. He insists Sonny 'needs' him. Last week when he blew off the recital, we got in a really, really ugly fight. I told him I thought his priorities were skewed, and he told me that I didn't understand him. And that he supported me when you were hurt and why can't I understand that Sonny needs him now the way you needed me then."

"Has he moved out?"

"Between you and me…pretty much. It's not 'official', I'm not even sure it's permanent and I wanted to explain it to you and Kristina, but then this whole Manny thing blew up again."

"I think Kristina knows…she's been really stressed out."

"I'll talk to her, I shouldn't have put it off. I asked Ric to stay close to the girls while this was going on, but he told me Sonny was taking it personally, blaming himself….Which is funny, because everyone knows it's my fault!" Alexis rolls her eyes. She weighs the matter in her hands. "Your forty year old brother, with a live in girlfriend and a staff of hundreds versus your five year old step-daughter and your infant daughter who's only other parent is out of the picture for days. Yeah of course Sonny won that one."

"I'm sorry…" I don't know what else to say. "Have some toast…do you want anything else? Eggs, yogurt, a full body massage?"

"My girls…I really need you." She gives me a sad grin.

"I'll call Viola and tell her to head back…Do you have to go to work soon?"

"I have some work to do, but I'm not going into the city today. I'll deal with the rest of it tomorrow. Manny's dead so there's really no rush…"

Later I will ask about Manny, if the rumors were true and it an unknown individual (Jason) and not Lucky who actually killed him.


	16. compromises

_A/N Hmmmmm, I always put in a note...uh but I don't really have anything to say this time...well, I hope y'all like it_.

* * *

"Knock, Knock" Alexis says at my open door.

"Hi! Com'on in. Have a seat. Want some popcorn?"

"That's my girl. Thank you." She grabs a handful after she sits.

"So, how's Kristina?"

"Asleep…sad. I told her about Ric." Alexis answers wiping at her eyes, "She asked me…she asked if he had stopped loving her."

"Oh."

"I told her he'll always love her and Molly. They'll always be his girls." Alexis hugs a pillow to her chest. "I just hope I'm not lying to her."

"Alexis, Ric loves Kristina…you know he does." I insist.

"I know, I know that he loves her Sam, but he's been so off lately…You know I don't want to talk about this. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is."

"Okay, so here's the situation." Alexis grabs the whole bag of popcorn out of my hands, "I've given Viola a long weekend, can you help with the girls?"

"Sure, no problem, only I don't do diapers." I tease.

"I've decided to take a few days off, I'll take care of all the diapers…" Alexis assures me.

"Yeah," I roll my eyes at her, "until Mayor Floyd calls…"

"Jeffrey Floyd is a toad." Alexis spits, she stands quickly the open popcorn bag swinging in her hand. "I'm the best _damn_ D.A. this town has seen in a _decade_ and he _damn well knows it!_ He tried to hang me out to dry on this Ruiz case." Popcorn flies all over my rug. "Never once did he mention I was _assigned_ the case, or that I was given _expert testimony that validated my defense_." She turns abruptly, the bag sails over the couch. "Or that _12 members of the jury decided his fate_. He conveniently forgets that the PCPD had _6 outstanding warrants_ for him and though he _broke probation continuously_ they were never able _to bring him_." She kneels down and takes my hand. "Sam, I swear to you I will regret, till the day I die, that I helped let Manny Ruiz back on the street, but I will not apologize for being good at what I do."

I stare for a second, making sure she's done. "Okay…so you won't be taking his calls then?"

Alexis plops back on the couch picks up a few random kernels, rests her slippered feet onto my coffee table, and says "Damn straight."

* * *

"Can Michael and Morgan come over again today?" Kristina asks at breakfast.

Alexis chokes on her muffin. "_Again_?" She questions looking to Nikolas, then me and back to Nikolas for some sort of explanation.

"Well, the girls were a little stir crazy while you were gone, so _Sam _took it upon herself to invite the boys over for a play-date." Nikolas explains. I knew he hadn't forgiven me for that yet.

"We had so much fun, can they come again Mommy?"

Alexis glares at me. I take that as my cue and answer. "Um, I'd have to see if _Leticia_ can bring them again. They probably have plans today."

"Kristina, Mommy took the whole day off to play with you and Molly. We don't need any silly boys do we?" Alexis asks.

"Thanks, Aunt Alexis, John and I love you too."

"Why can't you play with my brothers too? They hardly get to see Daddy or their Mommy either." Kristina pouts.

"You know what Kristina, why don't we go to the park, and I'll call and see if we can meet the boys and Leticia for lunch?" Alexis offers as a compromise.

Kristina sticks out her lower lip, and casts her eyes downward, obviously not warming to Alexis' plan.

Alexis closes her eyes in defeat. "I'll call Leticia now, okay. You go get ready." I tell Kristina. She jumps from her place and runs toward her room.

"Samantha!" Alexis exclaims.

I look at her funny, she's never called me that before, and I get the feeling this isn't a good thing. "What? Michael and Morgan are good kids…their going through a rough spell too. What's the big deal?"

"Besides the fact that I've had a crap week and Carly is bound to show up at some point and I'll probably end up in jail for attempted homicide?"

"Attempted?"

"Don't start with me, Sam." Alexis arches her eyebrows at me.

"Okay, I'll tell Kristina that they can't come." I sag my shoulders and feign defeat.

"It's too late for that! Nikolas why didn't you say anything?"

"Like anyone around here listens to me?" He gets up, "I've already had my fun. Michael spent his entire visit lecturing me about what 'Johnny' likes and doesn't like." He leans over and kisses Alexis, then me on the cheek "John and I will sit this one out."

"Traitor." Alexis yells to his back. To me she adds, "Don't think you're staying home. You got me into this mess…"

"It's not a mess…yet. Let's not borrow trouble." Molly starts to fuss in her hi-chair. "I think someone needs a clean diaper…and that's your department, I have a phone call to make."

"We leave in half an hour. Be here." She calls carrying Molly to the nursery.

"Yes Mom." I sing out as I dial the phone. "Hi Leticia, it's Sam…"


	17. Visiting

_A/N: I'm having a very hard time writing this right now. There are some 'SIC' spoilers out there that are making me sick. The show is doing very little to inspire me lately. Anyway this is crap, I think I'll go to Maui for a couple of weeks._

* * *

"$12.00 for a couple of waters and a small bag of KettleCorn? You've got to be kidding."

"Hey, take it or leave it, no skin off my nose."

"I'll have you know my mother is the DA. She can have you investigated for price gauging." I threaten.

He laughs. "That would make your mother Alexis Davis?"

"Yes." I answer defiantly.

"And would she be with you today?"

"Yes."

"Then little miss, I suggest you get the big bag." He hands me a two foot long clear bag of KettleCorn. "If you want any that is." I stare blankly. "Alexis Davis is my single best customer…go back to her empty handed, and I won't be responsible. Now that'll be $17.50."

I shove the 20 in his hand and glare. He slowly counts out my two dollars and fifty cents in change.

"Tell your Mama Joe says hi." He winks.

I juggle the 3 waters and popcorn while trying to stick my change in my pocket. I'm on the footbridge when I'm hit hard from behind.

"Hey, watch it." I yell before bending down to pick up my waters.

"Oh, sorry." I turn to see a red faced Michael. "I didn't see you there." He grabs one Dasani before it rolls off the bridge.

"It's okay, where are you going so fast?"

"We're playing hide and seek and Morgan's it." Michael explains. "Want me to take the waters over to your mom?"

"That would be great. Can you risk the detour?"

"Heck yeah, Morgan is really bad at being it." Michael laughs "I could be three feet away singing the national anthem and he wouldn't find me."

"Michael…" I say in my annoying adult voice.

"I know, I know. I let him find me sometimes. Anyway, Kristina's not much better, he'll probably find her. Thanks for inviting us by the way. I really miss Kristina."

"I know, she misses you too." The three of them had been having the time of their lives today, playing on the swings, climbing trees. Alexis had to close her eyes repeatedly to avoid seeming overprotective of Kristina in front of the boys. Finally Leticia had taken the three of them off to feed the ducks, giving Alexis a much needed reprieve from all the chaos.

"Since Dad's sick we haven't gone to see him much…And I don't think your Mom likes me very much."

I laugh "It's not you Michael, but I know how you feel, sometimes I don't think she likes me much either."

"She does." Michael states confidently.

"Oh, are you an Alexis expert?"

"No, but I see her giving you The Look."

"The Look?"

"Yeah, I see Mom giving it to Morgan sometimes."

"She doesn't give it to you?"

"I don't know, she probably does, but it's not the kind of look a mom gives a kid if the kid is looking at her, ya know?" Michael turns his head. "I'm going to go. I'll drop these with Alexis." Michael dashes away, just seconds before Morgan appears.

"Hey buddy, how is it going?"

"Have you seen Michael?" He puffs.

"You aren't playing hide and seek are you?"

"Yes we are." He answers innocently.

"Then I can't tell you. You know Morgan, you look like a boy who could use some KettleCorn."

"Thanks!" I open the bag and he eagerly grabs a handful. "Sam?" He asks through his mouthful of popcorn. "Are you my sister now?"

"No, Morgan…I'm not."

"But you are Krissy's sister? And Krissy is my sister too." He reasons.

"Yeah, but that's because you, Michael and Krissy all have the same Dad, Krissy, Molly and I have the same Mom."

Morgan wrinkles his nose, carefully digesting this news…"Can I have more KettleCorn?"

I scoop him up and give him a quick kiss. "Not yet, this is for my mom…I'm not sure she's willing to share. Let's go ask."

"'kay." I carry the four year only in one arm and the bag in the other. Minutes later we round the neatly trimmed hedge to see Alexis and Michael talking.

"What did Uncle Jason want? Why did he go?" Michael questions, while Alexis' back is to me.

"He, uh, was just saying hi…I think he had a meeting."

"It sorta sounded like you were fighting." Michael leans over sees me with his brother. "Ah, man."

Morgan has shimmied out of my arms and is running for Michael. "You're it, you're it."

The boys take off again, and Alexis turns slowly. "Sam."

"Jason was here?"

"For a minute…"

"Is he okay? Why didn't he stay? Did you tell him I would be back?"

"He's fine, I'm not sure, you never came up." She replies succinctly.

"Don't lie to me. Don't." I feel blood rushing to my face.

"We were discussing other things, Sam."

"He killed Manny, didn't he?"

"You know that was Lucky." She answers slowly.

"I don't KNOW anything. Dammit Alexis!" I try to say something, anything more, but I can't find the words. I look into my mother's eyes. "I miss him. Do you understand that?"

"I do Sam." She lifts Molly from her stroller, kisses her absently.

"Here." I hand her the bag. "I've got to go."

"Sam?" She calls after me…"You're coming home right?"

Without turning back I sigh, "Yes…later. I need to think."


	18. Blood

A/N: Be careful...major mood swings ahead...

* * *

I trace the letters for the thousandth time. I want so much to hold her. Just for a second. It would be enough. It would be so much more than I had of her. A pink blanket, a teddy bear. Baby Girl McCall…

I sense her approach before I turn. She looks at me uncertainly. I turn back to my baby's headstone. I don't ask her to stay, I don't tell her to leave. She kneels down beside me, not touching me, but so very close. I am grateful that she doesn't speak. It would be the wrong thing. It wouldn't matter what she said, anything right now would be wrong. I had wandered around the docks, half looking for Jason, half looking for me. It was a small thing to start with. Maybe she would have told me that she had spoken with Jason. No I'd decided, she wouldn't have told me. My anger hadturned to frustration, frustration gave way to sorrow.

"Where are the girls?" I ask, it's hard to form the question, in the hours since I last saw my mother I haven't said a thing.

"Nikolas picked them up."

I nod. I reach out and start tracing the letters once more. Alexis' hand is over mine. We trace the B, the A, before I turn into her, sobbing.

"It's okay, it's okay." I cling to her. "I'm so sorry Sam, I'm so sorry, so sorry."

I look up and see that Alexis is crying too. Her eyes are locked on the headstone. She is still apologizing, but no longer to me, she is apologizing to her granddaughter. The pain on her face cuts deeply. If I could speak I would tell her, tell her that it's not her fault, that it never was, that it was just easier to blame her than to accept my baby's fate. It was easier to hate her than to grieve Lila.

"What?" She asks.

"Lila…" I repeat…I hadn't meant to say it aloud. "Her name was Lila."

"For Jason's grandmother?"

"Yes…I didn't know her well, but she was the only Quartermaine that Jason felt connected too. And I think she must have been pretty amazing to have been able to accept the loss of her grandson and the emergence of Jason Morgan. He loved her, and because he loved her, I grew to love her too."

"Lila Quartermaine was extraordinary. She would have been honored."

"Do you think…I mean Lila wasn't really a Quartermaine…She wasn't really a Morgan either, but do you think maybe Lila is looking after her?"

"Oh, I'm sure of it. Family isn't only about blood, not to Lila, at least."

"Maybe that's the problem." I whisper.

Alexis pulls back, studies me through her tears. "What do you mean Sam?"

"Nothing…"

"No." Alexis demands "we need to do this. We need to do it now, right here, we need to get through it."

"It's getting dark." I stall…looking at the first stars of the evening.

Alexis grasps my chin and pulls my face to meet her own. "Tell me what you meant."

"Just what you said…Family isn't just about blood."

"No it's not. Jason and Danny were very much your family."

"This isn't about Jason…it's not."

She looks a bit surprised. "Okay…what is it about?"

"You lie to me. Your first instinct is always to lie."

"What have I lied to you about?" Her voice is steady, but she seems genuinely puzzled.

"Maybe you don't lie, exactly…but you aren't honest with me either. You gave birth to me, and I know that you loved the baby you carried and held…" My heart breaks with the words, but I fight through it. "I'm not that baby. I'm Sam McCall, a tramp, a thief, a con artist. The moment they took me away, I became someone else. I turned into everything you hate. Everything you are determined to prevent Kristina and Molly from becoming. You pitied me, you pitied my upbringing, my relationships, my attitude toward life.

"And now it's like you are trying to make up for 26 years. Trying to love me the way you love your girls, the baby that I once was. But it's just blood. It's not real."

I stand and turn from her unflinching gaze. "It's real Sam, very real to me, to Kristina, to Nikolas, Molly and John."

"Tell me the truth…tell me that you look at me and don't see the worst thing that ever happened to you!" I'm screaming at her. She stands, puts both hands on my shoulders.

"Sam, I don't know what…"

"He RAPED you. He raped you. He raped you. My father…my father raped you." Her face crumples, she releases my shoulders and steps back. "It's true, isn't it?"

"Is everything alright here?" Father Coates asks, as he emerges from the shadows.

"No." I say. "Nothing is alright."

He looks from me to Alexis and back again. "Let me know if there is anything I can help you with. Anything."

"Thank you, Father." I whisper.

"Alexis?" He addresses her softly.

She shakes her head. He seems reluctant to leave, but recognizes he has intruded. He retreats.

"You should get home to the girls." I say coldly.

"I'm not going anywhere without you."

I look at her with sudden contempt. "I'm not going back…not now…"

"Then neither am I."

"I'm a big girl. I've taken care of myself for a long time." I spit. "Go home to your family."

"Why are you doing this Sam? Why are you so angry?"

"You still won't tell me. Am I the result of rape or not?"

"It's not that simple." Alexis sighs, tears escape her. "I honestly don't know if you are or not."


	19. Ashes

_A/N: Warning, this isn't particularly graphic, but could be upsetting, proceed with caution._

* * *

"How could you possibly not know if you were raped?" I yell, furious that she still can't be honest with me.

"Oh no," She says simply. "I remember that…I didn't know it was rape…I didn't really know what it was…it became so…routine."

"Alexis…" I don't want to know, I don't, I don't. She's so quiet and calm. She tilts her head and continues.

"I've never spoken of it, to anyone. Maybe if I had…I don't know…"

"Stop Alexis, please, I'm sorry."

"I was eleven when it started. That one would definitely qualify as rape. No gray area there. Well, he _was _drunk and, and I guess I said something wrong. He grabbed me and dragged me into the stable. He shook me so hard, I thought my teeth would come loose. But I wouldn't cry. Or beg him to stop. It was a mistake. My resolve only infuriated him more.

"My dress ripped on something. I knew I get hell for it, so I started fighting back. I screamed for Stefan. That was my second mistake or my third. I'm not sure. He pinned me. I was more surprised than anything. And humiliated. And disgusted. It was so disgusting. He fell asleep on top of me, I couldn't breathe.

"After laying there for forever, I managed to push him off. I gathered my clothes, I couldn't bring myself to put them on again. I grabbed one of the horse's blankets and wrapped myself in it. I took a lantern and went to the beach.

"I burned everything. I watched the flames as they worked on my blouse, my shoes, my underpants. When they were nothing but ash, I returned to the house. I showered and showered, but I couldn't get his smell off of me. I was marked. I was his and it would never change."

"Alexis, it's late, let's go home." I beg, but she continues unhearing.

"I'd hoped he'd forget, he was so drunk, and maybe he had, but less than a week later he caught me in the library. Stefan walked in…I was given a momentary reprieve, but I paid for it later. I always paid later. I paid for resisting, I paid for complicity, I paid for…"

"Didn't you tell someone?"

"Tell?" Alexis looks at me, completely bewildered. "Who?"

"Stefan?"

"And get him killed? No, he was my only ally…I could not tell him." She considers for a moment. "I think Magda knew, yes she must have…She looked at me with such contempt. Maybe I imagined it."

"Who was Magda?"

"The υπάλληλος who had to clean up after the απομακρυνθείτε."

"What?"

"She was a servant, she was young and from a low class family, as a result she was assigned to clean up after the stray…me. Really, she had to have known, she changed the sheets."

"I want to go home."

"Not yet."

"Please, Alexis don't."

She grabs my arm. "But I haven't explained…"

"You've explained enough for one night."

"But you need to know."

"And you'll tell me. I know you'll tell me when you're ready…"

"You need to understand…you need to know I love you and I always have and I always will and I don't know how else to let you know."

"This isn't…I know you love me."

"You don't…you think because of that…you think because I hate the way you were raised. Because I hate your parents and everyone who should have protected you…you think I can't love you."

"I…" I know I should pretend she's wrong and pretend that she loves me, but I can't, I can't do what I should do. "I don't think you do…I think you want to, but you don't."

"Sonja."

"What?"

"I named you Sonja."


	20. Pieces

_A/N: Very brief...I'm going on vacation, so it will be a week or two before the next update...thanks for the reviews._

* * *

I push on the enormous door, and fall into Wyndemere, Nikolas was already at the door. I stumble into him.

"Sam! Alexis! Is everything alright?" He rights me, then looks anxiously from Alexis to me. "I almost called Mac and had him put out an APB."

"Well, that's certainly not necessary Nikolas." She hugs him briefly. "Are the girls asleep?"

"Yes." He answers slowly, shooting me a quizzical glance. "It's after midnight."

"So it is…well thank you. Goodnight Nikolas, Goodnight Sam."

Nikolas watches as she ascends the main stairs, then turns to me. "What the hell happ…"

I push past him, into the living room. "I need a drink." I head straight for the wet bar, clank the bottles till I find the vodka. I open and chug.

"Sam? What's going on?" Nik implores me.

The liquid burns, I close my eyes. "I finally did Nikolas…I've broken my mother."

* * *

_"I just knew you were a girl. I never picked a name for a boy. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. No one asked me, no one cared that you had a name before they took you. Your eyes were so bright, you stopped crying as soon as they put you in my arms. You were the most perfect thing I'd ever seen. I whispered your name. Just once. And I swear you looked at me. And then you were gone._

_"Have I shown you my treasure box? That's what Kristina calls it. The nurse, the kind one, cut off one of your locks, it was black, she tied it in a yellow ribbon. It's in my treasure box, next to Kristina's, Molly's. My mother's necklace is there too, and a ring of Kristina's…you never got to meet her. I think you would have loved her, she was the total opposite of me…so honest, so easy to be with, to love."_

_"I love you, Alexis…I do…I love you so much it hurts. Can we go home now? Please?"_

_"Home?"_

_"Wyndemere…"_

_"Wyndemere?" she pauses. __"You want to go home?"_

_"I want us to go home…to Kristina, to Molly."_

_"Nikolas has them…" It sounds like a question._

_"Yes, Nikolas is taking care of them, but they need you, us, we need to go home to them."_

_"Nikolas…"_

_"He needs us too."_

_"We should go home?"_

_"Yes Alexis, we should go home."_

* * *

"It started off as such a great day…but when I saw her with Jason…and then she acted like it was nothing." I take another gulp.

"That's enough Sam." Nikolas holds out his hand, and I reluctantly hand over the bottle.

"I just lost it. I was mad at him for just walking away, and her…you know Michael told me she likes me. He's 11 and he doesn't even like Alexis, but he told me she liked me. Like it was a fact. But when she went into her lawyer mode, I just couldn't deal."

"Sounds like you broke a little yourself."

"Yeah, that's sort of it. I felt like a puzzle with a couple pieces to go, and then a cat ran across the table and I flew all over the place." I look at him. "She called you?"

"Yes, she had me meet her at Kelly's, she said she had to find you. She was frantic. I wanted to help her, but she said she had a pretty good idea where you were and that she needed to do it alone."

"Well she found me." I sigh. "Do you have any bourbon?"

"Getting drunk isn't going to help anything."

"I'm pretty sure you are wrong about that." I pull him over to the couch. I take both his hands and try not to cry as I begin the story of how I'd broken Alexis.


	21. Shattered

_A/N: Very short, but I'm uploading two chapters...Okay it's still short, but I hope you'll like them anyway._

* * *

Her breathing is even. I watch as her chest rises and falls. I wonder if a nightmare is inevitable or if they are a thing of the past. I pull my knees to my chin and rock slowly back and forth to the sound of her breathing.

* * *

_The decanter hit the fireplace and shattered. Red wine seeped out as I jumped and turned to see Nikolas' face contorted. At once he seemed heartbroken, betrayed, furious and frightened._

_"That bastard!" He grabbed a vase filled with flowers Kristina had picked yesterday and threw it against the hearth. "Bastard!" he screamed. "If you weren't dead I'd kill you myself."_

_"Nikolas..." I whispered his name. I'd never seen him so angry, so out of control. Tears were tracking down his cheeks unheeded._

_"Sick son of a bitch...how could you?"_

_"Nikolas, who are you talking about? I told you, Alexis never said who it..."_

_He looked at me oddly, as if he'd forgotten I was in the room at all. "Sam."_

* * *

Sunlight creeps through the drapes. She had made it through the night without a bad dream. This makes me oddly happy. My head is heavy, I crawl onto her bed, kiss her, tell her "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for everything," and let sleep overtake me.

* * *

_We stared at one another for an eternity. Nikolas finally looked away, covered his face with his hands. Therewas another emotion I hadn't recognized at first. Shame._

_Part of mewas angry. This didn't happen to him, it wasn't his mother, it wasn't his...__"Oh my God."_

_"Sam."_

_"Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod."_

_"Sam." Nikolas said urgently, he grabbed both my arms and forced me to meet his gaze. "I could be wrong...'_

_"You aren't wrong. Oh my god Nikolas, it was Stavros..."_


	22. Memento

I slowly open my eyes. The room is unfamiliar at first. A sheet covers me. I'm alone. Yesterday comes rushing back. I bolt upright, gasping for air.

"It's okay Sam, it's okay." Alexis is there. "Breathe."

She sits calmly in the chair I rocked in the night before. I bury my face in a pillow.

"You need to eat something. When is the last time you ate?"

"The last time I ate?" I can barely comprehend her question. "Who cares?"

"I care." She pulls the pillow away. "You've been crying."

"Where are the girls?" I stall.

"Ric...he picked them up a few hours ago."

"What...what time is it?"

"About 2:30."

"You're still in your robe."

"You're still in your jeans." Alexis brushes my hair away from my eyes. "I have something to show you, after you eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Now who's lying?" She asks simply.

I bow my head, my cheeks burning with shame. "I'm sorry." I choke, "but I can't eat right now."

"Okay." She stands, I'm afraid she'll leave, but instead she brings me a box. "This" she sits down next to me and lifts a small tuft of hair. "This is Molly's. She was just about 3 weeks old. Can you believe it? Her hair is a completely different color now. This is Kristina's." She shows me a single brunette curl tied in a pink ribbon. "And this" she smiles at the black hair tied neatly in yellow, "is yours.

"For 26 years it was all I had of you. I never knew if your hair grew lighter or darker, if you wore it long or short..."

"Alexis?" I put my hand over hers, close the box slowly.

"Yes Sam."

"Was it Stavros...who raped you?"

She stares intently at the memento held gently in her hands. Carefully she says. "Yes. Almost nightly until I was sent away to school."

"But you returned during holidays?"

"Usually."

"And Stavros?"

"Was always waiting."

"Was he my father?" I whisper.

"I...I'm afraid he must be...I always hoped ...it wasn't true."

"Could it have been someone else?"

She looks at me finally. "I've told you before Sam. I don't know. I can't remember that summer. Or more precisely, I can't remember that August."


	23. Letters May 11, 1982

_A/N: Had to get a few updates in before watching today's SICkening episode. The next couple chapters will be called Letters with the date. Hope you like it._

* * *

I rest one stack on my lap. It's warm in the cove. I've spent most of the morning there watching the ships coming and going. My fingers tremble over the envelopes. Some a yellowing white, others soft pastels. "These are yours Sam." She had said. "I know there are a lot, and some of them are downright mundane. You can read them or turn them into confetti."

"Alexis…" I protested. "I'd never…"

"I know, I'm sorry, Sam. Ahem." It had been a while since she'd ahemmed me. "I'm trying to make light of it…that's inappropriate. I'm nervous."

Me too. I'm afraid of this box of letters.

* * *

_May 11, 1982_

_My darling Sonja,_

_Happy Birthday, Baby Girl. It's hard to believe you are two years old already. According to the esteemed Dr Spock you are speaking in sentences. I try to imagine your voice._

_Finals start on Monday. I'm worried about Chemistry. I only have a 91 right now, so I'm in real danger of getting a B if I don't do well on this exam. My roommate, you remember I've mentioned her before, Cyndi laughs at me. She wants me to go clubbing with her and 'the gang' tonight. I do envy her, Sonja. Perhaps she can go home and face her family with mediocre grades and have a chance of returning in the fall. I cannot._

_I found myself in Geppetto's again. The doll shop in the Chapel Street Mall. I found you the most perfect doll. Her name is Eliza – isn't that a beautiful name? She had dark eyes and black hair just like you. I keep going back wondering if maybe somehow someone has purchased her. Somehow she will be in your arms today. Seeing her on the shelf next week (I know I shouldn't go back) will hurt._

_Happy Birthday, Baby Girl. I love you. I miss you._

_M_

* * *

My mother had joined me, quietly sitting beside me. We discussed the girls, Ric, the weather, finally we discuss the elephant standing in the corner. It seems smaller now, yet so very much in the way.

"I know I've asked before and I promise I'll never ask you again. If you won't or you can't, I understand. I'll never bring it up again." I vow.

"It means a lot to you?"

"It's not about me."

"It's very much about you, Sam. I never wanted you to know." I look away guilty, I should have let it be. "I was wrong Sam. I wish I could give you more. You deserve the whole truth. You know the worst, but you deserve it all."

"I'm okay with it. I have you. I have my sisters. I have Nikolas…" I falter on his name. My cousin…my brother…both. "I don't need to know anymore…"

Alexis tilts my chin so that my downcast eyes meet hers. "We both need to know, not knowing makes it all that much worse. But I want you to make me a different promise."

She waits for my response. I nod slightly. "I'll go to counseling, but you go too."

"Me?"

"You."

"With you?" I query.

"Well, yes, maybe eventually family counseling would be beneficial…but not right away. Your world has been turned upside. You've were shot, you've broken up with the love of your life, you have a new, very complicated family. And I think you could use someone to confide in."

"I can talk to you…to Nikolas." I pull away, look away.

"There are things you can't possibly tell us. Things we wouldn't understand, things that you'd be afraid would hurt us. Sam, I know it's hard. Believe me, I'm terrified."

"You won't go if I don't?" My voice arcs into a slight whine.

"I didn't say that. Or I didn't mean to say that. I'll go Sam. It's long overdue. Maybe if I had gone earlier…but don't pretend Sam, don't pretend that this isn't eating you alive a little bit more everyday. Don't let the emptiness overtake you."

"Can I think about it, please?"

Alexis pulls me to her, strokes my face, my hair, hugs me, rocks me, nodding her head. I feel her nodding. "Think about it."

"Thank you for the letters, Mom." I whisper. "You have no idea what they mean to me."

"Thank you Sam. You have no idea how much it means for me to have them finally delivered."


	24. Letters March 2, 1986

_A/N: I'm having some formating issues. I tried to put a line between the action, the letter, and the flashback action (which is in present tense because I'm an idiot and lazy and I'm not going to change it now.) Anyway, this is supposed to be humorous, but the funny thing about trying to be funny is, it doesn't work so much sometimes. The taco line is stolen from rinarae7 at Nancyfan. I hope she doesn't mind..._

"I can't believe it!" Nikolas mutters as he chisels peas off the buffet table. "I haven't been spoken to like that…I've never been spoken to like that! This is all your fault _Samantha!_

"I. Don't. Think. So. Don't tick me off Nikolas, we haven't cleared the dessert dishes yet!"

Nikolas shakes his head incredulously. "Why, what possessed you?"

I shrug, "I was trying to lighten the mood."

"I guess the mood around here could use some lightening." Nikolas sighs, "But it's really hard getting pesto sauce out of Persian rugs."

"That will teach you to mess with my Mommy!"

"But…I didn't, I don't even know how that happened."

_March 2, 1986_

_Sonja,_

_I know you will be astonished by this, but there is nothing remotely interesting about contract law. The party of the first part this, the party of the second part that. Never go to Law School._

_My cousin Stefan is in town this week. He brought little Nikolas. I don't know many children, but I hope you are not like Nikolas. A four-year-old rising and pulling my chair out! Stefan doesn't see anything strange about it, but for all his manners and old man ways, I find myself fond of my small cousin. The young Prince was completely mesmerized by the child at the next table. He was in awe of his toy cars. I suggested Stefan purchase some before they returned home, but he scoffed at the idea. Oh well, at least I know what to give him for his next birthday._

_My wish for you today my darling girl, is that you run and laugh and say whatever is on your mind._

_Love forever_

_M_

"You What?" Alexis asks.

"I decided to change John's name." Nik replies after swallowing his mouthful of salad. "I want to honor the people who matter most to me."

"Why now? He's six months old he's used to being 'John'." Alexis presses.

"We'll ease into Alexis, we'll use John Spencer for a couple of weeks and then drop the John completely…I don't think it will scar him."

"I never said you would scar him…" Alexis turns pink… "I just think one's name is important. It's his identity."

"He's not four Alexis."

Alexis looks away. "That's not what I meant…I'm sorry."

"I'm just glad you didn't name him LuckyLu." I interject.

"If I hear that one more time…" Nik glares at me. I pull a face, grab my roll and toss it square into Nikolas' eye.

Chaos erupts.

"Sam, threw her food Mommy! She's gets a time out doesn't she?"

"Samantha McCall…"

"You, you, you…I can't believe…" Nikolas sputters…he rescues the roll from his lap and beams me with it in the head. Kristina's jaw drops to the floor and Molly and John…er Spencer giggle with delight. I decide to up the ante, grab my baked potato and take aim.

"Samantha don't you dare!" Alexis yells.

"Sam…" Nikolas locks eyes with me and grabs a handful of angel hair pasta. We circle the table slowly waiting for the other to blink.

"Nikolas, Samantha…." Nikolas glances at Alexis and I take a pot shot or a potato shot. Nikolas launches his artillery, ducks, and Alexis is struck by some sour cream ricochet.

"Mommy!" Kristina points and laughs, she lifts her forkful of peas and sends it sailing across the table, missing Nikolas by a good foot.

"THAT'S ENOUGH." Alexis shouts. "Kristina, go to your room now."

Kristina's lower lip juts out…"but, but Sam started it Mommy…"

"Oh, Mommy knows that, and Mommy will deal with Sam and Nikolas. March." Kristina's chin quivers, but she obeys. "Now you two." Nikolas and I both study our feet intently, suppressing giggles. "If you think that Alfred or any other staff member is going to clean up after you, you are sadly mistaken."

"It's my house…" Nikolas tries to interrupt lamely. Mistake.

Alexis turns to him. "And when you start acting like a responsible home owner, you can call the shots, if you two insist on acting like spoiled 5 year olds, I'll call the shots. You are a father now Nikolas, you need to set an example for your son." Alexis stares him down, daring him to argue.

"Fine." Nikolas sighs, Alexis continues to stare expectantly. "I'm sorry for being childish Aunt Alexis." He replies in a sing songy tone. Alexis shifts her gaze to me.

"Kristina idolizes you Sam…" She chastises.

I shake my head. "She really shouldn't."

"Sam." Alexis warns. "No more food fights around the children."

"Okay, I promise. Sorry…I love you Mom." Alexis rolls her eyes at me. I grab her arm and look deep into her eyes. "I'm especially sorry about the sour cream."

"Yes, not really convenient to get hit with sour cream unless you're holding a taco. What am I going to do with the two of you?" She lifts Molly on to one hip, Spencer to her other. "Say goodnight Daddy, goodnight Sam…" She offers us each a baby to kiss, then kisses us before exiting. "I expect this place to be shining like the top of the Chrysler building in the morning. And if Kristina asks, you both got really long timeouts."


	25. Letters Sept 9, 1985

_A/N: It's a little sad. Thanks for the reviews._

I cannot believe how heavy my backpack is. Who knew 5 classes would equal 8 textbooks at roughly 10 pounds each? Well probably anyone who's been to college, but I didn't.

"Sam, hey can I get you anything?" Mike asks.

"I need a banana split like yesterday."

"Coming right up."

"Make it two Mike, my date's here." I smile as Kristina walks in proudly. I wave to Mrs. Daniels to let her know Krissy has been safely delivered.

"Sam did you get regulated for school?"

"I sure did…How's the big kindergarten girl?"

"I'm good. My teacher is Ms. Koll…Koklow…we can call her Ms. K. I have a cubby with my name on it and at recess we get to ride bikes and climb on a jungle gym. Can I go tell Granpa Mike about it?"

ll

_September 9, 1985_

_I passed St. Mary's Academy on my way to court this morning. The kindergarten class was lined up outside. There was a little girl with straight black hair, her uniform just a little too big. She strayed from the class looking at something across the street. One of the sister's was sharp with her…I know it was because she was dangerously close to wandering into the road. She burst into tears…and so did I._

_My wish for you today is that no harsh words will ever make you cry._

_I love you M_

_ll_

"And Matthew Tyler stuck a red crayon up his nose, just so nobody else could use it."

"Yuck."

"He's so gross…" She stops short and looks over my shoulder, her face clouds. "Daddy?"

I turn to see Ric smiling at Kristina. She looks at me with confusion. "How's my big school girl?"

"Fine." She answers shyly.

"Hey Kristina, I thought maybe I'd buy you a treat for your first day of school celebration. What'll it be a hot fudge sundae or…"

"I already had a treat." She indicates her banana split.

"Oh, okay, hows about we go to the park for a while just you and…"

"Ric, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sam, I'm trying to talk to my …"

"Outside…Krissy, honey Ric and I will be right back." I hustle Ric out to the patio and out of Kristina's line of vision. "Where the hell were you this morning? Krissy was almost hysterical."

"Something came up. If you don't mind I'm here to see my daughter."

"She loves you so much and you keep blowing her off. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, of course, there's something wrong with me…yeah, that's it."

"Alexis has all but gotten on her knees and begged you to stay involved the girls' lives, but you only care about Sonny."

"I'm not discussing this with you Sam."

"You promised Kristina you would take her to her first day of school. You didn't call or answer your cell. She thinks she did something wrong."

"If you didn't notice, I'm trying to make up for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm taking her to the park."

"You don't just get to drop in and out of their lives at your convenience Ric. Alexis is planning a special dinner tonight, you're welcome to call and ask if you can come, but you can't just take Kristina."

"Oh, wait…you are telling me I can't see my own daughter? That's classic."

"She's your step-daughter Ric. And not for much longer if you keep this up."

"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? Alexis and I divorce and you get Mommy all to yourself."

"What?"

"That's what you've wanted from day 1. You come into our lives. We leave our home, move to some stupid island, Alexis spends every waking moment with you or at work trying to get Ruiz. The girls and I don't matter anymore. It's all about Sam." Ric spews each word like venom. "I had the perfect family till you came along Sam. You destroyed it piece by piece and now you're telling me when I can or can't see my kids. You are pathetic."

I back away from his verbal assault, unable to process the hatred.

"Don't you _dare_ speak to my daughter like that. Sam, take Molly inside." Alexis appears behind me, rage radiating off her.

"Mom…"

"Take your sister and go inside. I need to speak to Ric." She hands off Molly and pushes me gently toward the door. "I'll be there in a minute."

Lulu is sitting with Krissy at the counter. I give her a grateful smile for distracting my sister. Kristina turns to me. "Is daddy gone?"

"No, he's talking to Mommy for a minute." I answer. "Why don't we see if there is something in the kitchen for Molly to snack on."

"There are bananas, she loves bananas." Krissy smiles, then glances toward the doors. "Are they really talking…or are they fighting? Sometimes Mommy says they are talking but they aren't, they are just quiet fighting."

"I'm not sure Krissy."

"Maybe I should have just let Daddy buy me another Sundae." Her eyes fill with unspilled tears.

Lulu moves to my side and eases Molly to her. I nod gratefully, gather Kristina up tightly. "It's not your fault Kristina. None of this is your fault."


	26. Letters Dec 27, 1987

_A/N: This is long, but not particularly significant...I think Natasha's Girl is working toward it's end..._

Kristina and Morgan run down from her room. Viola ushered them out as she put Molly to sleep. Michael is quizzing Nikolas on "Johnny" aka "Spencer". He manages to grudgingly admit that it wasn't the worst name. Sonny looks good. Really good. He's involved in a quiet, but somewhat intense conversation with Alexis. I'm impressed that Alexis was able to get them here and that it seems so natural for them to be here. Kristina, always resilient, only said "It's too bad Daddy Ric couldn't come." I try to hide my re-born loathing of our step-father. Alexis does as well.

"Dinner is served Ms. Davis," Alfred states as he opens the doors to the dining room.

Michael screws up his face. "Is it always so formal here?"

"No" I assure him, "But this is a special occasion. We don't always have company."

Sonny takes Kristina's arm and escorts her through the doors, Nikolas takes Alexis' and Morgan and Michael follow their leads and each offer me an arm.

"Presents!" Kristina beams. "You get presents just for going to school?"

"I don't." Michael scowls at his dad.

"Michael, what do you call that i-pod in your pocket?"

Michael blushes. "Oh, yeah…thanks dad."

"First days of school are a very big deal, little miss."

Kristina hardly eats a thing, she keeps glancing back at the gifts on the buffet table. Alexis reprimands her a few times, then Sonny interrupts.

"Lex…let her open them."

"Sonny!"

Sonny flashes his dimples. "Please Alexis."

I watch as my mother melts in front of me. I've never seen anything like it. "Oh, alright. Michael can you hand out the presents?"

"Sam open yours first." Kristina jumps up and grabs a large box…Michael helps her deliver it to my place.

"I…I" I look at Alexis beaming at me. "Um, I thought the presents were for Krissy…"

Alexis nods. "Most of them are, but these are for you."

"I, you really shouldn't have. You've done so much for me already. I can't accept this."

"Hey, I know, Kristina, why don't you start. This one is from me and the boys." Krissy looks uncertainly from me to her father. "Go ahead…Sam will open hers later."

Krissy looks down, her smile gone. "Why don't you want your presents Sam? I helped Mommy wrap them. I had to keep it a secret for 3 whole days."

"Sam will open them later, baby, what did your dad get you?" Alexis asks.

"A Hello Kitty Calendar!" Kristina announces. "Thanks Daddy, thanks Michael. Thanks Morgan. How did you know I love Hello Kitty?"

"A little bird told me." Sonny's eyes twinkle.

"It's a special calendar Kristina, it starts in September so you can fill in all your days off and when your assignments are due." Michael explains.

"What are signments?"

"Homework, oh yeah, you're in Kindergarten…you might not have them yet."

"So what did Mom get you Kristina?" Sonny asks.

Soon Kristina has unwrapped her very own alarm clock (Hello Kitty again courtesy of Nikolas), a set of The original Boxcar Children, ("I think you're big enough for chapter books now, well read a chapter each night!" from Alexis) and a My first year of School Scrapbook from me. She's delighted by them all and lavishes hugs on the each of us.

Alexis has small gifts for the boys; a set of matchbox cars for Morgan; A homework organizer for Michael. He tries valiantly to act like he likes it. Making all the adults, even Alexis, laugh.

The whole time I'm fingering the wrapping on my gifts. I had no idea Alexis had bought anything for me. And feel a little foolish. I'm 26, and I'm going back to school. I'm more embarrassed and scared, than proud or excited. And here I am getting presents like a Kindergartener.

11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

_December 27th 1987_

_Dear Sonja,_

_Another Christmas has come and gone and another year slipping by. It is strange to be 'home' again. It's not home, this island, this compound. It's just where my family lives. Such as it is._

_I wonder what might have been, if I had the courage to stand up to my uncle. Why didn't I? I hope to God he was right. I hope I did the right thing. I hope that your parents celebrate you everyday. I hope that you are so loved that you never wonder about me, that you'll never regret a moment, that you will thank me if you ever desire to find me._

_But in the back of my heart I'm afraid. Afraid that no one could ever love you the way I do. Find me someday. Tell me I didn't need to be afraid. Please._

_1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

"You forgot these." I look up to see Alexis walk into my room her arms full with my unopened gifts.

"I told you…I can't accept them." I return to my Psychology text. A moment later I glance back at her. "What happened with you and Ric?"

"Nothing." Alexis eases onto my loveseat.

"You didn't tell me it was about me…him moving out."

"It wasn't about you."

"Fine, you know if you're going to start lying again, I have a lot to do."

"Sam, I heard some of what Ric said to you. He was lashing out, I'm not the one who is lying. Ric is trying to blame you, but it was his decision to move out, to take care of Sonny. Honestly, I thought he was doing just that."

"But?"

"I talked to Sonny. He kicked Ric out weeks ago. I'm not sure what all went on, but the bottom line is Sonny is in therapy and on medication, and Ric is not in his life at the moment. I don't know why Ric didn't come back. We did fight about you, but I had no idea he resented the situation so much. He only complained that I wasn't with the girls enough, I thought we had worked that out. I honestly thought this was about Sonny, not you."

"I've disrupted everyone's lives. You uprooted your family, separated from your husband, you were almost forced to give up your job and now you're in therapy."

"Last time I checked, I'm still DA. I'm glad to be here with Nikolas. And sweetheart we both know the therapy was long overdue. Will you please open your presents?"

"I'm not five Alexis…I don't need gifts for being a brave girl and going to school. You've done way too much for me already."

"Sam, I've never seen you unwrap a gift. Not once." She shifts toward me. "Do you know how much restraint it took not to buy 26 years worth of birthday and Christmas gifts for you the minute I found you?" She flashes a sad smile. "If you don't want the laptop, I understand."

"You bought me a laptop?"

"You know it's a laptop" true enough, it was laptop shaped "…if you don't want it, okay, but open the other one please."

She hands me the smaller package. I pull back the paper to reveal a small red leather wallet. "Open it!"

"You gave me money?"

"Open it!"

Inside there are a series of pictures. The first one is Molly, the next Spencer, then Kristina, then Nikolas. My mouth drops at the final picture Alexis, Kristina, Molly and I sitting together at the cove.

"When?"

"Viola took it last week. I'm having one framed for my office, and one for home, but I thought maybe you'd like to keep your family close." My eyes sting with fresh tears, Alexis pulls me to her. "There is plenty of room left for other pictures, for Jason and Danny…"

"Thank you. I love it."

"Please keep the laptop." Alexis mumbles into my hair.

I pull back and smile. "Is it a Dell?"

"Is there anything else?" She smiles. "I love you Samantha."


	27. Faded

_A/N: Sorry I haven't updated lately...this is a little different...Let me know if you like it or if you hate it._

"I wanted to give her something…and it was all I could think of."

"So you went to the penthouse," Lainey asks. "then what happened?"

"I just planned to grab it. I knew exactly where it was. I don't know why I opened it there…I didn't expect for it to…"

"to?"

"Hurt. So much."

_1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

_The small cardboard box contained all that he left in the world: A plaid flannel shirt, a digital watch, and his wallet. The cheap imitation leather was worn and cracked. I pulled out his fake IDs first. There were 3._

_William Cody, of Seattle, Washington._

_C.J. McEntyre of Elizabeth, Kentucky and_

_Cody McCall of Chatham, Maine._

_The same horrible picture stared back at me. My eyes stung with unexpected tears. I would have never have expected I was capable of missing my father, let alone ache for him. In the billfold there are lottery tickets, a bookies card, one worn out five, and two ones. The police must have confiscated the half dozen or so stolen credit cards dad always had with him. In the back pocket I found myself. At seven, at twelve creased and stained._

_11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

"He was your father."

I nod… "he was a thief and a loser and a jerk, but he was my dad…he loved me…"

"Of course."

"Not of course. Not of course. Evelyn never loved me…" I shout at my psychiatrist.

"She left you."

"Alexis gave me these letters she wrote when I was growing up. There are so many I haven't read them all. They are so beautiful. She wanted my parents to love me. She wanted them to protect me."

"And Evelyn didn't do that?"

"No. Evelyn loved Evelyn. End of story."

I don't explain the rest. She will try to convince me I'm wrong.

"Okay, you were looking through your father's things and…"

_1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

_"Sam?" I was ripped from my thoughts at the sound of my name. The sound of his voice. I brushed the tears away before turning and looking into his eyes. "You shouldn't be here."_

_I stood defiantly and drop the wallet back into the box. "Don't worry. I'm not staying."_

_"Why are you here?" He asked._

_"I realized you hadn't sent everything."_

_"I did."_

_"No…" I held up the box. "I meant to be gone before you got back. Sorry."_

_"How are you?"_

_"You know Jason, that's really none of your business anymore is it?"_

_He pushed a hand through his hair, his shoulders sagged, he shook his head. "I know you're angry but…"_

_"No buts…just angry. And since you asked I'm fine…peachy keen even."_

_"What's peachy keen? What does that even mean?"_

_I released an involuntary laugh. "Hell if I know…"_

_He smiled a brief radiant smile. "You were being sarcastic."_

_"Yes…but no, I'm fine…now."_

_"I'm glad…Alexis called here a couple of weeks ago, she was looking for you."_

_"Yeah, well I wasn't so fine then."_

_"I told her I thought she was right…you were with Lila."_

_It wasn't a question. I wondered if he just knew me so well that there was no other place I could have been or if he truly knew, because he'd followed her to me._

_"She found me." We gazed at each other. It had been three months and the pain hadn't lessened. "I'm sorry, I need to go."_

_"Okay…"_

_His simple assent infuriated me. "Still won't fight for me…" I hissed. I charged for the door. "How the hell do you do it? How do you just turn it off?"_

_111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

"Did he tell you?"

"I stormed out. I cried in the elevator. I didn't wait for an answer and he didn't follow me to explain."

"Was he supposed to follow you?"

"I…I don't know. I want him to love me enough to follow me."

"But he doesn't."

"Maybe not."

"Is it possible he loves you too much to follow you?"


	28. Photographs

_A/N Very short..._

"Okay so what's the project?"

"Um…I was hoping you could do something with these." I hand Nikolas my tattered school pictures. "They look pretty bad…"

"That's you?"

"Well, yeah…"

"I never realized…you look just like Kristina in this one. Down to the flippy thing her bangs do." Nikolas smiles…"Wow…"

"I don't look…" I take a look at the pictures now laying before me. I try to look at them objectively, remove myself from the familiarity, it doesn't work. "like Kristina..."

"You are kidding me right? You honestly don't see it?"

I stare at the smiling child with a crooked part, missing teeth and wrinkled t-shirt. I don't see anything but the shortest kid in the second grade, who always had to explain about missing lunch money and why her homework wasn't done. The kid whose father never bought the pictures, but cut off "proof" on bottom. I hate her suddenly. "I don't look like Kristina…" Kristina is beautiful…I bite the words back.

"If you say so. So what do you want me to do? Blow them up?"

"I don't know…maybe a little. Could you get rid of the stains and stuff."

"Probably…anything else."

"Could you airbrush them?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know…I just want them to look nice. Alexis has never seen what I looked like. She doesn't have to know I looked like a dork."

"Hey I know, why don't we just go online and download some other kid." Nikolas asks. "Some plastic Barbie kid with perfect hair and teeth. Some kid Alexis could love."

I slap his back hard.

"Ow! That wasn't strictly necessary." Nikolas cries. "Look, I'll try and improve the quality of the images, but I'm not touching anything else."

"Not even the zit?" I point to my twelve year old self.

"Not even the zit."

"I hate you sometimes."

"No you don't." Nikolas assures me. "Let me see what I can do."

"How long?"

"Well, I'll have something tonight, maybe tomorrow. Spencer's teething again."

"Do you think she'll like them?"

"Sam?" Nikolas glares at me. "She's going to love this. I don't think she ever hoped for a childhood photo of you, let alone two."


	29. Beer and a Movie

_A/N: Apparently I had too much time on my hands this weekend. Hope you enjoy_

"My Aunt and Uncle would be honored by this show of generosity for the new children's oncology wing of General Hospital. Family meant everything to them. The Stefan and Kristina Cassadine Foundation's primary goal is to end childhood cancer so that no more families are torn apart by this monstrous disease. On behalf of my Aunt Alexis and her daughters, my Aunt Kristina, Uncle Stefan and myself, I thank you for your support."

Applause erupts as Nikolas leaves the podium. Within seconds the orchestra sounds and guests return to the dance floor.

Alexis smiles, brushing tears out of her eyes, she cups Nikolas face gently "That was beautiful, Stefan would be so proud." She gathers him in her arms and I look away from the display. There is an intimacy between them that only a shared history allows, and I choke on unwelcome resentment. I stand and excuse myself, afraid this irrational jealousy will show.

_111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

_"I like the blue satin better."_

_"No this is your color." Alexis turned to the saleswoman. "The alterations will can be done this afternoon?"_

_"Yes Ms. Davis. Bernice has already working on your hemline. So you'll be taking the lavender dress Miss Davis."_

_"No, Miss DAVIS wants the blue."_

_Alexis smiled brightly. "Could you give us a minute?"_

_The saleswoman looked only too happy to leave. "You're still mad?"_

_"I can't believe you!" I scowled._

_"He's very nice Sam and well his last girlfriend, well it didn't end well. But it wasn't Cruz's fault."_

_"If he is so great why don't you go with him?"_

_"I'm the DA. It wouldn't be proper for me to date a subordinate, it could be grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit."_

_"And pimping your daughter to him isn't?"_

_"I don't pimp. It's just one night Sam. I don't expect you to marry him for heaven's sake."_

_"Why can't I just go with Nikolas?" I whined._

_"Well, mostly because I don't think Emily would appreciate it."_

_"He's back with Emily? When did that happen?"_

_"Um, when I called and asked if she could be his escort."_

_"Alexis!"_

_"They've been best friends since they were kids, and they are currently unattached it makes perfect sense."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Okay, so who are you going with?"_

_"Um…"_

_"You are not going stag…"_

_"No…"_

_"With Jax?"_

_Alexis wrinkled her nose. "Carly wouldn't like that much."_

_"Sonny…"_

_Alexis blushed. "I'm the DA. Remember?"_

_"Not Ric!"_

_She simply glared at that one._

_"Then who?"_

_"Garrett."_

_"Garrett Floyd? Mayor Garrett Floyd!" I yelp, "You hate him! Right you hate him?"_

_"Sometimes…sometimes I don't, but he's divorced and I'm separated, it seemed logical."_

_"You have an extremely odd sense of logic, Mother."_

_"Stand still…" She ordered, smoothing out my dress._

_"Can't I please stay home?"_

_"The tickets were $1000 a head. You are going." She twirled me around so I faced myself in the mirror. "And you'll have a good time if it kills us both!"_

_11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111_

"Hey…" I turn and see Cruz standing awkwardly a few feet behind me.

"Hi. Did Alexis send you after me?"

"No. I just thought you might like some champagne."

"Champagnes not really my thing."

Cruz sighs. "Me neither…I'm dying for a beer."

"You can get one at the bar."

"Yeah, I know, but…"

"I'm really sorry my mother roped you into this."

"She didn't…not really."

I laugh at his protest. "Right."

"Sam, I would have said no if I wanted to." He leans on the railing. "Truth is this party is a little out of my league, but I'm enjoying the company."

"Uh, Cruz…"

"Relax. I know you aren't interested."

"Well, no…" I blush. "It's just…"

"Truth is I've been thinking of asking you out for a while. Course, I was thinking more along the lines of a movie, pizza, and a couple of beers."

I smile.

"I know you're still in love with him." I bite my lower lip. "but sometimes a beer and a movie is just a beer and a movie."


	30. Dancing

_A/N: I know it's been a long, long time. Sorry. I'm having a hard time, since I'm not enjoying the show at all. So if anyone is still interested this is Chapter 30. Enjoy!

* * *

_

"Well that was an unmitigated disaster." Alexis throws open the doors to the living room and heads straight for the bar.

"For whom?" Nikolas smirks.

"I had a great time…sorry to interrupt yours." I laugh. I plop down on the leather sofa and remove my heels. "Sorry Emily got paged, Nikolas."

"Comes with the territory, she's low man on the totem poll as they say. I hope there's nothing to be concerned about, since Robin had to leave too."

"Yeah, her poor date." I try not to laugh.

"Enough. It's late. I'm going to bed. I suggest you two do the same." Alexis grabs a bottle of chardonnay and flounces past us.

"Yes Ma'am." We answer in unison, laughing as she slams the doors behind her.

* * *

_"May I have this dance?" Cruz asked suddenly._

_"You dance?" I was surprised. Jason hated dancing. He'd do it for me, but mostly when we were alone, and almost exclusively slow dances._

_"I grew up with four sisters. They had to practice with someone."_

_"Okay, sounds good." He took my hand and we returned to be ballroom just in time to see Sonny enter with Robin on his arm. It caused a bit of a hiccup throughout the room, but only momentarily._

_Cruz led me to the dance floor, where we joined roughly a third of the guest. Alexis was dancing with the Mayor. I'd never seen her dance before, and was impressed with how good she was. Of course as Cruz and I passed I realized they were arguing some ridiculous case._

_Nikolas and Emily maneuvered over to us. Nikolas leaned in and stage whispered. "They were boring the table to tears, I told them to take it to the dance floor."_

_"What's up with Sonny and Robin?" I blurted, forgetting about Emily's not so distant relationship with him._

_"Oh, they're old friends." Emily answered easily. "Patrick had an emergency procedure, and didn't want Robin to waste the tickets."_

_I tried to read Emily for signs of distress or jealousy, but found none. How had she managed to get over him so quickly? I was in awe. Until I saw the way she looked at Nikolas. Then I understood._

* * *

"So…you and Emily looked really great together. Anything happening there?"

"I…uh….I don't know." Nikolas answers. "Maybe, but right now I have other priorities."

"Like?"

"Spenser."

"Emily is great with kids."

"I realize that, but I'm still getting to know him…and he's still getting to know me and adding another person to the equation right now, doesn't seem fair."

"Oh…" I decide to let him off the hook for the night, and quickly change the subject before he can bring up Cruz. "So whatchya think about Alexis?"

"I'm trying very hard not to think about it at all, thank you very much." He smiles and I fall back against the couch laughing again.

* * *

_"Sam you look beautiful."_

_"Thanks Monica. Have you met Cruz?"_

_"Yes, I believe you've arrested my son once or twice." Monica offered her hand._

_"Monica!" Alan admonished her._

_Cruz smiled. "Once or twice." He agreed._

_"Sam, how is school?"_

_"How did you…Dillon." I answered my own question._

_"And LuLu actually. You two are in the same English class. Is professor Marquez as awful as LuLu seems to think?"_

_"Pete? No…I like him. I was so nervous my first week, I wanted to drop the class, but he said to do my best and if I was still uncomfortable by midterm that I could audit instead but since I got a B on my first paper, he said that deal is off."_

_Our conversation was cut off by the announcement of dinner. Shortly after the main course arrived Emily's pager went off. Across the room Robin rose at the same time and left. Cruz pushed at the food on his plate then leaned into me. "Ask your cousin to dance…I'll be back in a while."_

_"Were you paged too?"_

_"No, but I have something to take care of. I'll be back."_

_The music started up again a few minutes later, and unprompted Nikolas asked me to dance. He too was an excellent dancer and I found myself really enjoying the dance, not having to worry about saying the wrong thing, or having lettuce in my teeth, or even stepping on his toes. But really, I hadn't worried about those things with Cruz either. Huh._

_I glanced over to our table to see that Alexis' and Mayor Floyd seats were long abandoned. "Are they dancing again?"_

_It took Nikolas a minute to figure out who they were, but he answered "Well one of them is." He nodded over to Mayor Floyd waltzing with Amanda Barrington. Obviously schmoozing for campaign funds._

_"You don't think Mom snuck off with Cruz do you?" I joked._

_Nikolas looked shocked…then grinned. "What if she did?"_

_"More power to her. He's cute."_

_"It wouldn't bother you?"_

_"You don't think?"_

_"No, I don't think. But would it bother you? You two seem to be having a pretty good time tonight."_

_"I'm not really ready for anything…it would be unfair for me to be jealous. And for better or worse Alexis and I do have very similar taste in men." Understatement of the century._

_Nikolas rolled his eyes. "Yes, unfortunately."_

_I slapped his chest lightly and we headed back to our seats. My phone was beeping softly as I approached. "Meet in the lobby. Bring Nik 2. Cruz." I read the text message aloud._

_"hmm, that's cryptic."_

_"So?"_

_"Let's not keep the man waiting." Nikolas ushered me toward the door._

_There in lobby was Cruz in his tux, with a pizza, a six pack, and a dvd. I started laughing uncontrollably. Cruz smiled "Man, was that chicken dry or what?"_

_"I can't believe you did this!" I hugged him impulsively._

_"Me neither, but I'm glad you did, I'm starving." Nikolas added. "You don't mind me tagging along?"_

_"Not at all man. Actually, I was kinda hoping…" Cruz looked around… "I mean, I don't think it would go over well if we ate this in the lobby."_

_"No problem. We own a suite for business purposes, we can eat there and watch…." Nikolas looked at the movie. His eyebrow shot up. "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.?"_

_"It's the 50th anniversary." Cruz explained._

_"A true classic!" Nikolas smiled. "Shall we?"_

_We attacked the pizza in the elevator. Hawaiian! My personal favorite._

_"How could you have never seen this?" Cruz asked as we left the elevator and headed to the penthouse._

_"He had a very sheltered childhood." I explained._

_"I guess so…" Cruz broke off. The door was now wide open. Too wide open. Nikolas was frozen where he stood. Cruz almost dropped the beer. In the middle of the room stood Sonny Corinthos leaning over a woman whose hands were cupping his ass. I knew those hands. I knew that dress._

_"Mother!"_


	31. Scars

_A/N: Anyone still reading this? Heh...some birthday sap...about a month late!!!_

* * *

I flip my phone open "Hey, how's the stakeout going?"

"Same old, same old. This guy is never gonna make a move. How'd the party go?"

"It wasn't much of a party. Alexis didn't want a 'fuss'."

"Heh, she wouldn't let you invite Corinthos?"

"Yep, it was just me, Nikolas and the kids."

"Did she like your present?"

"Um…"

Cruz laughs. "You chickened out?"

"No."

"Liar…oh I gotta go, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, Cruz? Be careful."

"Always."

I plug my phone into its charger and grab my Biology notebook. I lay it back down. I pick up Alexis' present. I study the silver paper and blue ribbon. They belie the painfully ordinary contents. Nikolas had shot me a quizzical look after Alexis finished opening her gifts. I'd shrugged in return. He let it go, but pulled me aside later.

"_What are you going to wait till Christmas now?" He'd accused._

"_No, I'll give it to her."_

Instead of learning the reproductive patterns of the blowfly, I memorize the swirls in the silver paper, the satin sheen of the bow, the envelope. To Alexis. To Mom. To Mother. To…. How long had I spent trying to put the appropriate address? Finally giving up and writing only Happy Birthday. I don't know why sometimes calling her Mom seems right and sometimes it's so very awkward. How the phrase 'My mother' can conjure the image of two completely different people.

"Sam?"

She startles me. I instinctively hide the package behind my back. It's too late, there is no way she hasn't seen it. "Hi." I say with a heavy dose of guilt.

"Is that for me?" She slinks in and points with both hands gripped in front of her.

I only nod. I don't offer it to her. I'm still not prepared for the barrage of questions that will follow. _"Where did you get these? Why have you kept them from me?"_ for starters. The unasked questions will be worse.

"Sam?" Alexis tilts her head.

"Sorry, I…I." I stutter…"Here." I push the box toward her.

"Are you sure?"

"Not really." I bite my lower lip.

"Come." She pulls me to the loveseat. "I'll love it, whatever it is." She assures me.

She unwraps the paper with precision, and maybe some trepidation. She opens the box and places the tissue paper beside her. She opens the silver frame.

I watch her eyes. For the briefest moment they don't register what she's seeing, then tears invade. A soft gasp escapes her lips, and her hand traces the curve of the image on the left. She looks at me, brushes her hand along my cheek, stopping at a small scar. She looks back at the photo…"This was brand new then, what happened?"

I touch my cheek and remember. "Billy Raymond…he was chasing me with something…I ran into a bush."

She flinches slightly. Then studies the photo again "Your bangs." She says.

"Dad, he was a little drunk, and…" I trail off as she starts to cry. "He never hurt me, never."

She nods silently and returns to the picture. "How, how old were you? In this one?"

"Seven…"

"1st grade?"

"2nd."

"When did you lose your first tooth?"

I shrug. "I'm not sure, but the second one…I fell off my bike, I was bleeding so much that Ms. Hansen didn't realize I'd lost it. And I was so worried that the tooth fairy wouldn't come since we didn't have the tooth. But Dad promised he would leave a note explaining."

"Did he?"

"I guess…I had a quarter under my pillow in the morning."

"I think her rates have gone up, Kristina said Michael gets five dollars a tooth."

"Wow…he must have some teeth!" Alexis gives me a small smile and returns her gaze to the photos. "You don't have to memorize them Mom."

"I missed so much…so very much." She sobs. "I'm sorry Sam."

"Don't be…it's okay, I'm okay."

"I want to be the one who butchered your bangs and explained things to the tooth fairy on your behalf." She pulls up and looks at the picture on the right. "And who explained your period to you?"

I laugh involuntarily. "That was a few years down the line. I was 14. I knew all about them, because I was the only girl who didn't have it yet. I'd stolen a thing of pads a whole year before, just to be prepared. But of course I got it in the middle of the day, when I was at the library. I always thought you woke up with it first thing in the morning! I don't know why I thought that…."

"Because no one explained it to you. Because_ I_ didn't explain it to you."

"I'm sorry…I don't want to hurt you…I thought maybe you'd like them." I reach for the frame, she pulls it to her chest.

"Oh Sam…I love them…you were so beautiful…you are so beautiful."

"You don't need to say that. They are lousy pictures…I wanted Nikolas to fix them…."

"Fix them?!" She yells, suddenly angry. "Samantha McCall…You are beautiful…unique…strong…independent, and that is abundantly clear in your eyes, your smile, your scars. I don't ever want to hear that you want to be FIXED. You are perfect just the way you are and just the way you were. LOOK at me when I'm speaking to you!" I meet her eyes again. "I love you Sam and this is the single most precious gift I've ever received. I need you to understand that 'fixing' it would have ruined them. Do you understand that?"

I nod. "Say it Sam."

"I understand." She pulls me to her and embraces me. "I understand."


	32. Stupidity

_A/N: Mood swings again

* * *

_

"How's it going Sam?"

I smile, "It's kinda been a bad week Mike. Can I get some OJ and the paper?"

* * *

"_May I speak frankly Ms. McCall?"_

_I didn't answer, it was not a question._

"_Looking at your application, well you simply aren't up to the Pre-Law programs standards."_

_I stared blankly._

_It made her uncomfortable. "Naturally, it's early in our weeding process…"_

"_Weeding? What am I? Crabgrass?"_

"_There's no need to be hostile, Ms. McCall."_

"_Did you have a point Ms. Baxter? Are you turning my application down? Is there something I can do to change your mind? Or is the decision already made?"_

"_Like I said, it's still early in the process, and seeing that your mother is the District Attorney, it could be awkward…"_

"_My mother has nothing to do with this. Either I get into the program because I'm a good candidate or I don't." I stood quickly and gathered my things. _

_She was clearly taken aback. "Well, your midterm marks are less than impressive. If you can bring them up by the end of the semester, there's no reason you wouldn't be considered. I just wanted to make it clear we only want serious students in our program. Based on their own merit, not that of their …family."_

* * *

"All that's left is the Society page, Interested?" I nod. "Anything you want to talk about?" He hands me the juice and The Herald. 

"Not really. Stupid stuff. "

I burrow myself into a corner table and pretend to read. So much stupid stuff.

* * *

"_I didn't want you to find out like this."_

"_Well, there was a sure fire way to avoid that. You could have told me yourself. You could have even called. But no…I find out because I happened to be standing in the hall waiting for my appointment with Lainey. Is there anyone else who doesn't know that you and Liz are having a baby? Let me guess Jason, Lucky's been left out of the loop as well."_

"_Sam, it's not like that…"_

"_What's it like Jason?"_

"_Liz and I were hurting. Lucky's messed up, he's been sleeping around."_

"_So Liz felt it necessary to do the same?" I shouted. "Fine, okay, why you Jason?"_

"_I'd lost you."_

"_You lost me? You didn't lose me Jason, you threw me away. It's not the same thing!"_

"_I…I can't really go into it. I'm not sure the baby's mine, it's probably Lucky's."_

"_Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I pulled back. "I'm being ridiculous. We're over, you've been telling me that for months. Of course you moved on."_

"_Sam…"_

"_Just leave me alone Jason. Please, you've gotten to be so good at it, just do this for me now."_

* * *

I refocus on the paper. Birth announcements. Lorenzo Alcazar and Skye Quartermaine announce the arrival of their daughter.

* * *

_**The roots of the Russian Revolution were possibly planted in during the reign of Alexander the first, eighty some years before the uprising in**_

_Damn it….what year was it? 1914….1914…it was 1914 20 years before Mikkos was born. That's it…_

_**1914. However, it would be the 1860s that spurred **_

_Spurred something…crap…_

_Ugh...why was I stupid…why….why? "WHY!" I slammed my pen down and whirled around in my chair. Alexis stared at me from the doorway._

"_Is everything okay in here?" She asked._

"_NO! Why am I so stupid? You're not stupid. You don't have a stupid bone in your entire body! You do the New York Times Crosswords in PEN." I slammed my notebook shut and storm across to my window, hoping looking at the water would calm me down. It didn't. I turned back to Alexis. "Seriously, was Stavros dumb or is this a side-effect of inbreeding?"_

_Oh My God…I had just said that out loud. I REALLY was stupid. "I'm, I'm sorry Mom…I…"_

"_Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes, if you'd like to join us." She walked away. I ran after her._

"_Alexis, stop. That was a hateful thing to say…I…"_

_Alexis bit her lower lip. "I'd really appreciate it if you don't say anything like that in front of the girls."_

"_I won't…I promise." I was not sure what to say. So I just rambled. "This paper for World History is like 30 of my grade and its due in three days and I've been working on it for a week and I can't even come up with the stupid first paragraph. And my biology test came back and I really thought I was understanding everything and I got a 71. And there are all these little 18 years running around getting 95s without ever cracking a book."_

"_I get it Sam, you are stressed." Alexis replied quietly. She moved away._

"_I didn't mean to take it out on you."_

"_I know." Alexis faced me. "I wish I could tell you what you need to hear right now."_

"_That I'm not stupid…that it's just stress…that you don't hate me."_

"_All of the above and more." Tears spilled down her cheeks. "But I can't."_

* * *

Blood. One red drop, two, now three. Mike is whispering my name, he looks scared and so far away. I turn to meet his gaze, offer him a weak smile and my world turns black. 


	33. Healing

_A/N: I didn't mean to get everyone worked up. This should clear up the confusion...I think._

The dull throbbing in my hand barely registers. Pain meds…probably. My room is bleak. Sparse maybe is the right word. Hushed voices surround me.

"_I want to know what the hell is going on. I was told she cut her hand…why on earth has she been admitted?"_

"_Alexis, calm down. She's only here for a 24 hour observation."_

"_I want to see her now!"_

"_It would be better if you calm down." _The voices fade again. _"There are some things you need to know…"_

* * *

Lila Rae Alcazar…the pain was so sharp, so real. So red. So orange. Blood. One red drop, two, now three. Mike is whispering my name…

My glass…I had shattered it, squeezed it so tightly it had cracked, sliced through my unsuspecting skin. Blood and juice covered the offending announcement. I didn't loosen my grip. "Sam." Mike had whispered…

* * *

"Hi." Alexis says as I open my eyes.

"Hi." I whisper.

"God help me, I'm so angry with you right now, Sam."

"I'm sorry." I offer. "Can we talk about it at home…can I come home?"

"Not right now."

I cry at her words. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Sam, it's okay. You lost a lot of blood, they had trouble stopping the bleeding. Lainey thinks it's best if you remain under observation. I'll take you home tomorrow."

"Lainey? I cut my hand, why is Lainey…God, Alexis this is the psychiatric ward isn't it? No, no, please, I won't do it again. Please, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I wasn't it was an accident. Please Mama, you've got to get me out of here."

Alexis wipes furiously at the tears on her face. "Sam…we know…but Lainey's very concerned. Why didn't you tell me?"

I'm crying too much to respond. Alexis reaches for me, but I turn from her. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…" I scream.

"No!" Alexis yells as I feel the pinch of a syringe. The room and my mother are swallowed by darkness.

* * *

"_Damn it Jason. I don't want you here."_

"_I just wanted to make sure she's okay."_

"_Does she look okay? She's in the psych ward, they've sedated her because she was hysterical, she hurts herself Jason! Did you know that?"_

"_Uh, yeah…we talked about it. She told me she used to do that sometimes as a teenager."_

"_And you couldn't share that with me?"_

"_Look, this isn't my fault Alexis."_

"_Oh, that's right nothings ever your fault. Lainey said she stopped coming to her therapy sessions two weeks ago. Right after there was a rather loud argument in the hall between you and Liz about a paternity test."_

"_I talked to Sam, I tried to explain."_

"_We've worked so long and so hard Jason. I thought you wanted Sam back!"_

"_You know I do…you know I do…Liz was a mistake…"_

"_Some mistake. Sam's been doing so well."_

"_You'll still help me won't you?"_

"_My daughter is my priority right now, but yes, I want this as badly as you do…maybe more. I'm going to get something to eat, be gone when I get back."_

* * *

"Mom…mom…" I call.

"I'm here baby."

"Jason? Was Jason here?"

She hesitates, then answers. "He was."

"I had a dream about you arguing. It seemed so real, but it didn't make any sense."

"Dreams are like that sometimes." She assures me. "Sam, can you tell me what happened? At Kelly's."

"I had a really bad week." I squint to keep the tears at bay.

"I know."

"I don't think I'm going to make the pre-law program." I whisper. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, you don't have to be a pre-law student to get into law school and you don't have to go to law school if you don't want to. You work so hard, I can't ask for more than that."

"I just want to make you proud."

"Oh God Sam, I'm so proud of you. Don't you know that?"

"You're angry."

"Yes, I'm angry that you've been hurting and you haven't told me. I'm angry that you hurt yourself. I'm angry that I walked away last week when you needed me."

"I was awful. I can't believe I…"

"Sam…"

"I can't do anything right. Jason's having a baby, Mom…and Skye…"

"What about Skye?"

"She had a little girl."

"Yes, Sam, what does Skye's baby have to do…"

"She named her Lila, Mama, Lila Rae." I sob out. "Why did her Lila live?"


	34. Pickles

_A/N: Making up the medical stuff...lalalalala._

Sonny walks in with a bouquet of miniature pink roses and baby's breath. Alexis looks alarmed and rises to protest.

"Lex, can we have a minute?"

"Sonny, I don't think…"

"Does anyone care what I think?!" I snap.

Her shoulders sag, she turns to me, and studies my face briefly. "Of course, I'll be right outside." She leaves in a rush.

"You remembered."

"It's a hard day to forget. I lost one daughter and was given back another." Sonny whispers.

"I was going to visit her today, but well…"

"I'll go for both of us Sam. I'll explain that you can't come, but that you are thinking of her. She knows, but I'll explain." I nod. "I…I know what its like to get lost in a dark place Sam. But Lila, she wouldn't want this for you…"

"It's so hard Sonny."

"I know, but you've got people to lean on now, lean of them Sam. Let Alexis be you're your strength. Let Nikolas be your compass. Let your sisters be your heart. Your mom is the single strongest woman I've ever known. And you are more like her than you know."

"Thank you Sonny, thank you for remembering, and thank you for understanding." He stands and kisses the top of my head.

* * *

"Grilled Cheese, French fries and a triple thick Chocolate malted for you and Chicken salad on wheat and a strawberry shake for you." Mike smiled as he gave us each the first real food we'd had all day.

"Thanks." I smiled.

"Thank you, Mike." Alexis said. The way she said it, she wasn't talking about the food.

"Alas, I can take no credit." Mike protested. "An anonymous benefactor was worried that you were being subjected to 'Yucky hospital food' and insisted I bring you something proper for dinner."

"Krissy." Alexis and I laughed.

"I cannot betray the confidentiality of my customers, but you might not be wrong." Mike grinned.

* * *

Alan Quartermaine leaned in to my room. "Alexis, can we speak to you for a moment?"

Her eyes darted from the door to me to Mike and back to Alan. "Mike would you mind?" I rolled my eyes. She hadn't left me alone for a second since she arrived. It was ticking me off. "I'll be right back Sam."

"You don't have to stay Mike."

"Would you mind the company?" He asked as he pulled up a chair.

"No." I admitted. "I'm really sorry Mike."

"Hey, no worries, you're okay and that's all that matters. How's the sandwich?"

I took a small bite and grinned. "You remembered the pickles!"

"Krissy did…you've corrupted her you know."

"Hey, she knows a good thing when she tastes it. I take no responsibility."

* * *

I watch through the door as Sonny approaches Alexis. He taps her gently on the shoulder and she falls into his embrace. He holds her. He whispers in her ear and they walk down the hall arm in arm.

* * *

"We have something of a dilemma here Sam." Alan Quartermaine explained. He, Alexis and Lainey had returned to my room and Mike quietly excused himself.

"How so?" I asked as if I somehow had missed the gist of this 'conversation'.

"Sam you are clinically depressed." Lainey reminded me, like I could have forgotten the diagnosis she'd given me just two hours before.

"Got that part." I nodded.

"And the damage to your hand is extensive."

"Yep, I remember that too."

Alexis let out an annoyed sigh. "You're being deliberately obtuse Samantha, knock it off."

"Sorry." I lied.

"The problem is Sam, you need both an anti-depressant and pain killers. It's not a good combination. Dr. Quartermaine and I are trying to find the best possible combination, but with your history…"

"Cut to the chase Lainey."

"We cannot, in good conscious, release you."

"What?" I yelled.

"There are options Sam." My mother interjected.

"Like what? It was an accident…"

"Sam it wasn't an accident. You deliberately injured yourself, and it's not the first time."

"Wait, wait isn't this like a violation of patient doctor confidentiality?" I had told Lainey that _sometimes, sometimes_, when I was really messed up, that I would cut myself so I could remember what it was to feel. There was no way in hell I wanted my mother or Alan to know that.

"Not in this case Sam. If the injury wasn't so severe, if pain meds weren't involved, there wouldn't be a need to consult Dr. Quartermaine."

"Fine, but why are you telling my mother?! She's not a medical professional."

"Because Sam, your mother has agreed to be your temporary guardian."

I'd listened impassively as Lainey listed my 'options'. I could stay in the psych ward until I was done with the pain meds, I could be transferred to a facility like Roselawn, or I could be put under the guardianship of my mother and return to my normal daily life. Alexis would be responsible for my medications and my now bi-weekly sessions with Lainey. I tuned out the rest and ate my cold grilled cheese and pickle sandwich, lukewarm fries, and melted malted.

* * *

A few minutes later Alexis returns, her face washed clean of tears, and a sad smile on her lips.

"You're still in love with him, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Sonny, you're still in love with him."

I've caught her off guard. "Sam…I'm married…to his brother"

"It's okay Mom, he's still in love with you too."


	35. Grounded

_A/N: hey guys sorry its been so long. Wanted to give you all a heads up this has some language and adult situations, nothing you wouldn't see at a PG-13 movie. Anyway, I'm planning a few more chapters before I wind this up around Christmas. I have a sequel of sorts in mind...but nothing concrete. Thanks for reading, and the feedback. It means a lot._

"So did you have a nice Thanksgiving?" Lainey opens with a cliché.

"It was nice thanks, yours?" I'm not supposed to do that. This is supposed to be a strictly one way conversation, but Lainey answers anyway.

"Mine was good, I got a chance to catch up with my parents and sister. My nephew has grown quite a bit since the last time I'd seen him." She pauses. "How is physical therapy?"

She's got me there, no turning that one around. "The PT's are a bunch of sadists. I think they like hurting people."

"There might be some truth to that. Are you regaining any movement?"

"Yes." I admit. "But I'm also getting to be a one handed typing bandit. I wonder if there's a career in that?"

"School's going well?"

"Yeah, I had a little catching up to do, and taking notes is really hard, so I've been recording the lectures. I actually like that better, I feel like I can actually participate more."

"That's a great way to look at it. So how are things at home?"

Right back to home. The last place I want to talk about. "Well I'm not sure, but I think I'm grounded."

* * *

"_Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Cwuz we's gots to be quiet." I jiggled the lock and pushed into Wyndemere._

_Cruz chuckled "Who are you, Elmer Fudd?" He grabbed my waist and lifted me to him. I reached around his neck and attacked his mouth. He backed us through to the living room, never coming up for air._

"_How's that for Elma Fudd?" I asked with a pout. I held on for dear life trying to kiss every last inch of his face, we fell onto the sofa and I moaned a little. "God Cwuz." I cursed my bandaged hand as I pushed his jacket away from him clumsily._

"_Oh Sam, oh my god." He hissed in my ear. "Jesus girl slow down."_

"_You don't weally mean that." God, I sounded stupid when I was drunk. Maybe I just am stupid when I'm drunk. My ability to form the 'r' sound left me somewhere between Jake's and the docks. However the way things were headed, I didn't think my poor use of language would be problematic. "So shut it. No…no shutting." I wanted his mouth open. _

_Cruz laughed again, God he was cute. His hands started wandering down past my shoulders and were just about to reach the promise land and the lights came on._

"_The hell?" I shouted squinting against the light._

_Cruz was off me in a flash. "Uh, uh Sam."_

_I forced myself up cursing the brightness._

"_Uh, Alexis, I mean Mrs…, DA Davis…"_

_Dear god. He was acting like he'd been caught with his pants down. Like a teenager who'd been caught by his date's…_

"_Mother?"_

* * *

"You'd been drinking?" Lainey asks with an arch of her brow.

"Not you too, it was a couple of beers Lainey." I avoid her eyes. I don't need this lecture again.

* * *

"_I was just seeing her home. I'll be going now." Alexis still hadn't said a word. She was sitting, legs crossed, jaw set, eyes raging, but she was silent. I should have realized that wouldn't last._

"_No, Cwuz, I don't want you to go. Sorry to bother you Lexis, we'll take it up stairs."_

"_Good Evening Cruz, it was lovely to see you. Oh, by the way, there was a problem at the station, you'll need to be there at 6. Thank you for seeing Sam home."_

"_Yeah, sure thing…You have a nice Thanksgiving, Ale…D.A. Davis."_

"_Fine, if you going to leave, I go wif you." _

"_Um, Sam…I don't think so. I'll call you." Cruz backed all the way out of the house, clutching his jacket at an awkward angle so it covered the front of his jeans._

* * *

"So Cruz is afraid of your mother?"

"Oh please Lainey, who isn't afraid of my mother."

"Are you?"

"No…I was too angry to be afraid…I probably should have been."

* * *

"_Oh my fweaking Gawd ALEXIS!!! I'm twenty-six. If I want to have sex wif someone, it's none of you business." Having control of English might have come in handy there. _

"_Oh Sam have sex all you want. I'll spring for the birth control patch and a case of condoms, and you can have sex with the whole damn town."_

_Okay, hadn't anticipated that reaction._

"_I'm your legal guardian until Lainey decides otherwise. You know damn well you are not to drink while you are taking these meds. What did you tell Cruz? That you were done with the pain pills, that a couple of beers were okay? I have news for you a couple of beers, a beer, isn't okay. "_

"_Give it a west Alexis, this concern motha woutine is getting old." I tried to exit in a huff, but I tripped over my own two feet instead. Dumb-ass._

"_Oh, you have no idea how old it feels." Alexis made no effort to help me up._

"_This is widiculous. I should have gone to Woselawn…I'da had mowe fweedom. I'm so moving out." I pushed myself back onto my feet and waved a finger at her. "Goodnight Lexis."_

"_Go ahead, I won't stop you. Your sisters and Spencer don't need to be exposed to your constant self-destructive tendencies." She turned and started to leave. "And you know something. I'm sick and tired of this emotional blackmail. If you are scared, happy or upset I'm Mom. When you are angry or spiteful I'm Alexis. I'm either your mother or I'm not, make up your mind and stick with it. Goodnight, Sam."_

* * *

"So you're moving out?" Lainey asks.

I close my eyes. "I might." It comes out smaller than I expected.

"You think she wants you to?"

"Yeah." Damn it, I don't want to cry.

"I bet she doesn't."


	36. Affidavit

**Affidavit Chapter 36**

I take a deep breath. Then I take three more. Finally I walk through the door with false bravado, armed with a piece of paper and bag of KettleCorn. She looks up and back down. "I'm having a really bad day, Sam. I'm not in the mood to fight with you." She announces, studying something in front of her.

It stings a little, but she's being honest, and she has no reason to believe I won't pick another fight. We've been skating around each other for a week. In front of the kids we've been polite. Nikolas has come to both of us in turn trying to advocate peace. I'm sure, like me, she listens politely and holds back angry retorts.

This is on me. I know it is. "I don't want to fight." I say. "Look peace offerings." I hold up the KettleCorn. I'm rewarded with a hint of a smile. She gestures to the seat in front of her desk then reaches expectantly for the bag. I hand it to her reluctantly. And add. "Joe says hi."

She actually laughs at that. She opens the bag and takes a handful. "I really needed this."

"You're too easy you know."

She laughs, and then to my horror starts to cry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

She reaches out and I rush around the desk and embrace her. "Thank you." She whispers.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I know this isn't about me. I've hurt her, but this is something different.

She nods to document on her desk. "_Writ of Divorce granted to Richard Lansing from Alexis Davis_."

"Oh…wow." Their marriage had been over for months now. And I wasn't exactly broken up over it. I don't like Ric, I think she deserves better, but I know she loved him. I'd also witnessed the sorrow this mess brought to my sisters. Ric's sole interest was now Molly. He was polite to Kristina, but distant. He'd threatened on numerous occasions to file for sole custody of _his_ daughter. There were no grounds really, but that wouldn't stop a long drawn out battle in family court.

"He's moving to Manhattan, but still wants Molly every weekend. She's…she's too little to be that far away. I know he loves her, but why is he being so damned unreasonable. He doesn't have to move, or he could come down here on the weekends. It would be less traumatic. How did I fall in love with such a selfish bastard?"

"Face it, Mom, we have lousy taste in men."

"Don't, don't Sam. I can't deal with this." She pulled away and went back into lawyer mode. Since the 'incident' with Cruz, I had avoided calling or even referring to her as anything. Not Alexis, not Mom…it was basically a 'hey you' situation. I knew it hurt her, but I couldn't risk making a decision. She was serious. I had to make up my mind.

"I'm sorry about Ric." I stand and walk back around the desk. I look at the paper in front of me. It was a bit of a joke, but maybe now wasn't the time. Lainey and I had gone back and forth about this in every session. Alexis and her tough love was a positive step. We'd reached a milestone in our relationship. Alexis calling me on my crap meant she was secure enough to push me, confident that I knew I was loved. I countered that Alexis was just plain sick of me and that our relationship was at a breaking point.

"_Okay, Alexis is sick of you. So why don't you just walk away? Forget the guardianship you don't play by the rules, why should this be any different?"_

"_I…I don't know."_

"_That's bullshit Sam. You know."_

"_She would keep me from the girls."_

"_I doubt that, but if she did, so what? You don't need them."_

_That stung. That made me angry. "I love them!"_

"_Alexis knows that. Would she honestly keep them from you?"_

"_No. She wouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to them."_

"_Or you. Has she ever deliberately hurt you Sam? Ever? I know she's hurt you, but was it ever deliberate? Before she was your mother, since?"_

"_No."_

"_So she won't keep you from your sisters. So why not just walk away?"_

"_I love her."_

"_And she loves you, but she's sick of you."_

"_I'm sick of me too."_

"_So why not walk away?"_

"_Why do you keep asking me that?" I screamed. "I can't walk away, I DON'T WANT TO WALK AWAY."_

_Lainey sat back and smiled. I wanted to smack her. "You don't want to walk away. You want this relationship Sam. So work for it. Let your mother know she's worth it."_

I'm fingering the letter and completely lost in thought. "What?" I ask when I realize she's said something.

"You said offerings. Is that for me?"

I stare at it. I look at her. Her glasses perched on her nose, hair pulled haphazardly away from her face. "Yes…but maybe we should do this later."

She arches an eyebrow and holds out a hand. I give it to her. She breaks the seal. "It's been notarized?"

"Yeah, you can pretty much get anything notarized for a couple of bucks. Just have to sign in front of the notary." I babble. I can't watch her face as she reads it.

I don't even realize she's done when she's next to me. Hugging me. "I'm going to hold you to this you know."

I nod and wipe at my face. "I know."

"I might get it framed."

"Mom!" I screech and she kisses my forehead.

"I love the sound of that."


	37. Resolutions

_A/N: This is basically the end. I think there will be one more fluffy Christmassy chapter and eventually I'll start work on the 'sequel.' Thanks to everyone who's been reading it. I've had a lot of fun with Natasha's Girl._

**Resolutions Chapter 37**

She did it. It was framed and matted and on her desk the very next morning.

_I, Samantha McCall, on this third day of December 2006, do gratefully acknowledge Alexis Davis as my mother, biologically and emotionally. I swear to try and respect this relationship by calling her only: _

_Mom, Ma, Mama, Mommy, Mother, Madre, Mere et cetra_

_If at any time I break the above vow, I solemnly promise to amend said breech with a bag of KettleCorn and four hours of free babysitting at Ms. Davis' convenience, for each and every infraction, deliberate or accidental. _

_Yours, in good faith, Samantha McCall._

"Lainey kept telling me that you pushing me away was a good sign." Alexis sighed. "I thought she was the crazy one."

"She's crazy alright. Taking on the two of us?"

"Certifiable." Alexis agreed. "So the bandage comes off today?"

"Yeah. And I'm done with the pain meds. I have been for a couple of days now."

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, it itches mostly and the pain meds didn't help with that anyway."

"So Lainey will be rescinding the guardianship order, I assume?"

"She's going to call you about that." I hesitate, "but I wanted to talk to you first. I know you want me to get on with my life, and I want that too."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"But I was hoping…would it be okay with you…"

"I want you to stay Sam. If you feel you have to move out, I understand, but this is your home now."

"Are you sure? I mean…"

"I know you won't stay forever and I know we aren't always going to get along, but for now like having you down the hall. I like the family dinners, the bedtime teas, and the midnight popcorn runs."

"Me too. I even like the non-food stuff." I joke. "I like having the smartest woman in the world around to proof my papers."

"I can tell you the girls want you here, Nikolas too, but Sam, I don't want you to stay for them. I want you to stay for me. Right now you and your sisters are everything to me. And I want the three of you together for as long as I can have it."

"What about Sonny?"

She blushes. "I'm not sure what's happening there. We're friends again and I'm glad about that. But I'm concentrating on my life right now, and until the custody arrangement is worked out I can't afford to think about anything more than that."

"Fair enough…not sure Sonny will agree." I tease.

"Oh, he's busy trying to break up Carly and Jax. I figure I have at least until their wedding before I have to deal with him." She grins, "What about you and …"

"Cruz? I don't know. I mean, I know what it looked like."

"You have no idea what it looked like…I promise you that."

"_MOM!_ Really, he's just a good friend. I'm okay with that and I think he is too." I sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm just still hung up on Jason."

"I know."

"Have you taken Cruz off the swing shift yet?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about! Mac is responsible for his schedule."

"Sure, okay." I roll my eyes.

"So you'll stay?"

"Try and get rid of me, Mom."


	38. Christmas

_A/N: Okay guys, this is it. Thanks for all the feedback, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I loved writing it (most of the time, not so much in August...hmm). I hope this doesn't disappoint._

**_Christmas 38_**

Kristina was the third angel from the right. Michael was Joseph, Morgan a shepherd and Spencer was baby Jesus. Kristina worried that Molly would feel left out, but Mom promised that we would make it up to her somehow. Sonny held Molly on his lap and had his free arm around Mom. Carly and Jax sat in front of us, Carly mouthing Michael his lines. He only had two. And he knew them, but that didn't stop Carly. I laughed when Mom rolled her eyes.

Nikolas and Emily couldn't keep their hands off of one another. They hadn't set a date, but I knew that Spencer would be growing up with a mom. A good mom. And that made me happy. He deserved it after losing so much so early in life. For some of us finding a family took a lot longer. But hey, it was worth it. I wouldn't trade my family for anything. And considering the last six or seven months that was saying something.

I miss Danny, and I ache for Lila. Some days I even miss Cody. There will always be a part of me that yearns for what I've lost, but I know now those losses helped define me and make me stronger. Like my mother's losses did for her.

She's so happy. Last week she came home and announced she was quitting as DA. She hated it, all of it. She declared she was going back into private practice so she could make her own schedule and enjoy her family. I was stunned, but two days later she had a new office, three partners, and a list of clients a mile long. She and Ric have declared a tentative truce for the holidays. Now that there is some distance between them, Ric's actually being somewhat reasonable. Mom's wary of course, but she's determined to enjoy it while she can.

She and Sonny are still in no man's land. They are friends. No benefits, as far as I know, and I really, really don't want to know. He was the first to re-up as a client. They argued for hours when she insisted that she could not be his exclusive attorney. When Mom announced that he could take it or leave it, he decided he'd rather have her on his payroll part-time, then not at all. Smart man, Sonny.

I finished finals two weeks ago. I can't believe I have an entire semester under my belt. Or that I ended up with a 3.4 GPA. If it wasn't for biology, I'd have a 4.0. I'm soooo done with science. I'm not applying for the pre-law program. I told Mom that I've decided I'm not cut out to be a lawyer. She wasn't having the best day, and announced she was glad to hear that because it was the worst job, ever. That was just before she resigned as DA.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her I was thinking of studying criminal justice, when she realized I was thinking about becoming a cop. "Oh great, the only job worse than being a lawyer, but more people shoot at you." She'll come around…I think. Anyway, I like school and am looking forward to next semester (no biology, thank you very much).

Krissy runs to us after the pageant all smiles and wings. "Did you see me Sam? I waved to you! Mommy, Molly should have been Jesus, the hay was making Spencer sneeze."

"That's okay, it might have made baby Jesus sneeze too."

"Daddy, Jesus wouldn't sneeze." Kristina explained. "He's Jesus."

Sonny just laughed. He'd changed so much over the past few months, I could finally understand why my mother fell so in love with him. He was finally the father that the kids needed and deserved. And he was finally out of the business. Officially December 12th.

This was my real Christmas present. Mine, Kristina's, Michael's, Morgan's. Corinthos Morgan was 100 percent legit. They were really and truly importers. Coffee, tea, knick knacks, you name it they imported it. The FDC, FBI, CIA and WSB couldn't find a single uncrossed t or undotted i. And they never will, because my mother is the best.

She and Jason had been working to this end since June. Once Sonny was better they weren't sure what would happen. Jason felt obligated to turn the business back over to him, but wasn't sure Sonny would be willing to move forward with the plan. Mom worried too. But Sonny had his lawyers look it over and discussed it with Carly and Mom and Jason and Benny and Mike and everyone was for it. Everyone but Ric. That's when things got ugly. It had to do with me in a round about way, because Ric said Mom was only doing this for me. He wanted Sonny to remain in the business. Mom couldn't understand it. No one could. She couldn't tell me, because, well she didn't want me to know.

She didn't want me to know, because she wasn't sure it would work. She wasn't sure if they could pull it off without someone landing in jail or Sonny changing his mind. She understood…really understood how much I loved Jason. She was so ticked at him when she found out he slept with Liz, that he was afraid she'd back out. And maybe she would have, if she and Sonny hadn't reconnected. She and Jason argued when he found out about Cruz. She told him, he had other things to worry about since he might be a father. He shut up about it after that.

I told Lainey everyone was afraid of my mother, that so includes Jason. So now I walk with my family to Kelly's for a celebratory dinner. Jason on my right, Cruz on my left. I still love Jason. In some ways I know I always will, but the past few months have taken their toll. Cruz has been a terrific friend, Mom blames him for my interest in police work, I don't love Cruz, but I could. It wouldn't be hard. So we will take it day by day. I'm more than the man in my life. I'm a friend, a student, a sister, and most imorpantly I'm my mother's daughter. I am Natasha's girl.

**Fin**


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